Personal ads: lying your way to love

Chad Strawderman Arizona Daily Wildcat

It would also satisfy my secret desire to have a totally unique job, and since no one has made me captain of the Fashion Police, which is the ultimate occupational fantasy for any clotheshorse, I would ecstatically settle for this.

I must be good at writing these ads since my Mother, Twanda, got me to write his for him and within one day got six messages. As a result of making him sound like a Hot, Passionate GM Seeking Same, the bedsprings in his Serta mattress needed to be replaced immediately.

I would be more than happy to present you as a superb catch and would do the best to bring hot, nasty and passionate love and romantic enchantment to the lonely life you unfortunately lead. I'm sorry to say that I cannot write ads that would promote you as a Human Sucking Machine. It would make me squeamish, as well as jealous.

Now, if you're like my mother, and have low self-esteem, why not let a friend write the ad for you? Just be sure you can definitely trust this person. But, then again, this person will have no trouble describing you as a sexxxy, intelligent and fiercely witty piece of man candy, which you might be too shy or self-deprecating to do (even if it is true).

Just make sure you have the final say about what will run in the paper if a friend does the ad. I can just imagine what mine would say if my sister Krystahl, Twanda or Nurse Hell-ga submitted an ad for me: "Easy, bossy, do-able, vain and spicy brown-eyed husky HM, with nice-on-a-budget teeth and annoying levels of obnoxiousness seeks anything breathing." I would get repeated calls from freaky trolls who try to tip go-go dancers in their thong bikinis orally.

Whatever you do, do not let your family write an ad for you, especially if you happen to be "in a phase." They will make you sound like a sexless dweeb and exaggerate your weaknesses. The ad would probably read like this: "Smart, handsome boy who learned to ride a bike at 10, messy at mealtimes, with a good heart and kindness towards animals, especially kittens and ponies, seeks nice girl (oops, we mean boy) for sharing ice cream, long walks and listening to Lionel Ritchie love songs."

I don't even want to know who would respond to this ad.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I hope those of you without a love try this method of dating. What's the worst thing that could happen, besides the occasional brutal murder? A truly miserable personal-ad date makes a riveting story to tell at a party. People are always curious to hear about the horror of such things. When you tell this non-fairy tale, they will be fascinated, like when they see a train wreck.

I only wish I didn't know this firsthand. I mean, I wish I hadn't had heard this type of stuff firsthand.