By James Casey
Arizona Daily Wildcat
February 19, 1998

Hello, Dolly

Arizona Daily Wildcat She's a Doll!

If you were a filthy rich, horny and ugly guy, you would have several options for getting some good lovin'.

First, you could venture to a local strip club and try to buy a girl for the night. This option poses many problems, though, as it's unethical, dangerous and sordid.

You might try to call a 1-900 number and get your kicks through aural sex. This option is also sordid, sad and somewhat unfulfilling (not that I would know, of course).

Your most bizarre option would be to get on your computer, type in www.realdoll.com, and order a terrifyingly realistic sex doll equipped with the marvels that Mother Nature most likely intended only for living organisms.

RealDoll.com offers totally lifelike silicone shag-bags for a meager $5,000, give or take a few bucks. Deal or what?

Upon viewing the sample photos, the first thing one will notice about these "dolls" is the similarity that they have to a real inanimate person.

It's dubious, though, how great these things would be in the sack; they're fully articulated, with a full skeleton and steel joints, but they don't move on their own. The joints are fully movable and allow for various positions, but you have to do all the work. They aren't warm, although they will retain heat, and they're composed out of a rubbery-looking material. Gumby would be stoked.

The producers of the Real Dolls product claim that each doll can withstand temperatures of over 300 degrees, and recommend putting the doll in a hot bath before utilization so as to achieve a more realistic sexual experience.

The attention to detail in production is absolutely incredible, if not somewhat macabre. A client can choose between four models and specify his or her preferences. These range from hair color to eyelash length. If you like a certain style of lower region, then just specify and you've got it.

Each one of these creations is custom-built and comes fully modeled in bra, panties and a mini dress. It is suggested that one gets used to dressing and undressing one's doll before shopping for new clothes. Practice is key, as the thing is as heavy as a real person (100-115 lbs). If you have a preference you can chose between fair, medium, tanned, Asian and African girls. The site lists among the benefits of such a creation that the dolls are safe, sexy, durable and affordable.

Affordable?! Maybe for Bill Gates.

The site also includes an interesting FAQ with answers to questions such as "When will there be a male doll?" and "Is there a 'she-male' in development?" One individual asks when there will be a BBW doll available. (BBW means Big Beautiful Woman in case you didn't know.)

Howard Stern recently had the "Celine" doll on his show and extolled her many virtues, describing the experience as the "Best sex I ever had! I swear to God!"

All sales are final and no refunds will be given. A little suspicious; inanimate girls made by the evil sounding "Abyss Creations" which cost $5,000 and can't be returned. Perhaps these dolls are spawn of Satan and kill all the rich perverts in their sleep.

Then there's the conspiracy theories postulated on www.conspire.com. The Internet paranoiacs reckon that the whole thing is a gross hoax designed to separate the rich, gullible and lonely from their cash.

Finally, one site owner has even gone through the laborious task of rewriting the entire RealDoll page and transforming it into the RealSheep homepage (www.techstation.com/realsheep). After browsing this site, you'll never look at Lambchop the same way again.