By Ezekiel Buchheit
Arizona Daily Wildcat
March 9, 1998

How to be a player

You guys may have noticed that this university is crawling with attractive women. You may also have noticed, if you are an average guy like me, that you can't for the life of you seem to get a date with one of them. You could work up the courage to talk to one of these women, build a system of trust and friendship as a foundation for a relationship, or you could approach the situation as a player, sleep with her and then move on. Now most of us have been using step one and failing, while our women are being picked up by the players. How do they do this? Let us explore.

Before we begin, we must first recognize the greatest players in history: American Presidents, the two most notable being Kennedy and Clinton. Real men's men. You see, being a player is about power and the strength with which you use it. Kennedy understood that; he scored with Monroe. Clinton understands that, and he allegedly scored with Lewinsky. Now, most of us out there are not the leader of a major world superpower, but we can still be players. It's easy.

Step one: Become a major ass. Being a player means forgetting about your humanity, emotions and principles. Being a player is about having promiscuous sex with as many women as possible. Remember, the motto is "use and abuse." Forget that women are actual human beings complete with aspirations, dreams and feelings. Start regarding them as some type of game. What do you have to do to get into her pants? A good way to accomplish step one is to join a fraternity. As soon as you have stripped yourself of everything that makes you a decent human being, you are ready for step two.

Step two: Learn to lie. Of course you don't love her, you hardly even know her, but she won't know the difference. Practice with mirrors, practice with friends, practice with your dog. As soon as you are capable of telling someone you love them, even though deep inside you've come to loathe everything they represent, you will be well on your way to being a player. Be careful though and keep track of everything you've said. Keep a little notebook with you and record what you've told to which girl. A real player dates many women at once and you wouldn't want to get caught just because your worthless memory couldn't remember if it's Amy that thinks you're in med school and Stacy who thinks you belong to some rock band taking a break from your world tour.

Step three: Concentrate on aesthetic maintenance. If you are going to be a real player, you have to look like one. Dye your hair some shade of yellow found nowhere in nature. Try Clairol's "Uranium Yellow 235." Remember, being a player is all about how you look. As step one specified, you should no longer have any deep inner meaning, you should be devoid of emotions, empty and worthless. So you better look good. The basic rule for clothes is they should cost as much as a mass transit system. Tommy Hilfiger, the Gap and Guess are all very good, ludicrously expensive designer clothes that will instantly identify you as a major player.

Go to as many parties as possible, forget about school and your friends and your family and dedicate yourself fully to meaningless flings that are quickly forgotten. It doesn't matter, you only get one life, right?

So there you go. May your years be fruitful, your nights be long and your days be spent in recovery. And don't worry about the future; if you are a true player, you'll be dead by the time you're thirty. Promiscuity can be a dangerous thing nowadays. And if you aren't dead, become a politician. It's like joining a giant frat: everybody's a player.

Ezekiel Buchheit is a freshman majoring in English. His column, "I Like Biscuits," appears each Monday.