By Ezekiel Buchheit
Arizona Daily Wildcat
March 23, 1998

Spring break, reality and other nonsense

Well, spring break is officially over, and I hope you had a good one because now it's time for - gulp - reality. And we all know how much reality sucks. Spring break was to be, for most of us well-rounded young adults, a time to do as many drugs as possible and wake up in strange and unique places. Just a good, old-fashioned, Tom-and-Huck, American adventure. I particularly enjoyed spring break. I went to Phoenix, made some money, hopped in a car ready for adventure, cruising to California, drugs in our bodies and police officers behind us.

That's right! Just as many of you have probably predicted would happen, and many more prayed would happen, I got to spend the best parts of my spring break in police custody! Yee-haa! Come to sunny Eloy, Arizona, where the police watch you pee and the dogs are so friendly that they playfully leap in your car and sniff out marijuana. Oh, well, at least it will lead to some interesting articles in the future, such as "Ezekiel's trip to the pen" and "Adventures with my cell mate, Tyrone, the Mad-Dog Rapist."

Which brings me back to my original point, which I guess I am still in the process of forming, which will be - um - oh yeah, reality. Welcome back to reality, which, if you had a really intense spring break, is making itself very aware to you in the form of Satan's Hangover.

I imagine you probably need some recovery time from your vacation, which can be difficult with school breathing down your neck. Just try not to think about how much pain you are in right now, and the midterm you have coming up on Wednesday, or the 3,500 page research essay you have due Thursday on "Faith, guns and nuns who go bad" written entirely in German and, of course, the oral presentation you have to give in your Women's Lib class. And we definitely want to forget that your girlfriend left you because she caught you with another man, and that strange mole that developed while, on the beaches of California in a drunken stupor, you decided it would be cool to strip naked, vomit and pass out on a rock for three days. Forget these things. In fact, I suggest you start drinking heavily.

To help you get back into the swing of things here at the UA, I have compiled a list of suggestions I just made up.

1. Meditation. Meditation is an ancient practice of relaxation and thought. It was created thousands of years ago before recreational drugs were discovered when man was really bored. In order to meditate correctly, make sure that you have nothing around to distract you, which can be difficult here at the U of A since it appears we are located somewhere in the midst of South Lebanon in constant fear of an Israeli air attack. But if you do manage to make yourself comfortable without distractions, the next step is to sit and think. Good, now you are meditating. How the hell this will aid you at all is beyond me, but it filled space.

2. The hair of the dog that bit you. This is by far the most popular of the recovery choices, especially among fraternity members. The theory here is that if you suffer from some type of alcoholic hangover, ingesting mass quantities of the same substance that made you feel this way in the first place will help you recover. Don't worry, it doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. You only drink when it's a Friday or a Saturday. Oh, and sometimes when it's cold. Or when the sun comes up, or you're eating a meal with friends, or when you're eating alone, or when you've just woken up, or when your parents call, or when some type of test is coming up, and especially after a particularly exhausting breath of fresh air. It's nothing to worry about.

3. Sleep. There is something magical about unconsciousness in that it allows you to recover without any of the hassle of actually functioning. Some suggestions for sleep, which I have compiled my own personal experience and that of friends around me, is to try to sleep in your own bed. The concrete just outside the door to the dorm is, for whatever reason, not seen by police officials as an excellent choice for a night's rest. Also avoid trees, major highways, roofs, arms of a saguaro, jail, greyhound stations and daycare centers.

Well, that's all I have for you today. Good luck in recovery, and if anybody reading is a lawyer, drop me a line, I already used up my one phone call.

Ezekiel Buchheit is a freshman majoring in psychology. Or maybe creative writing. He's going through a career crisis right now. His column, "I Like Biscuits," appears every Monday until he heads off to the pokey.