How to survive those endless Wildcat weeks

Hey, I know how it is. You're sitting there in class, and the subject at hand, whether it be mercantilism or metabolism, isn't really doing it for you. You need some sort of extracurricular activity to keep your mind occupied. So you turn to your trusty copy of the Summer Wildcat. You skim the articles, read the comics, do the crossword, and-bingo-class is over. Alas, however, it's summertime, and the Wildcat only comes out once a week. You need to make this fine publication last all week long. Here's how:

It's Wednesday, and you've just picked up this week's Wildcat, complete with more Arby's coupons than you could ever use. You get to class, work, or whatever, and realize that the summer heat has melted your attention span like a popsicle. You wisely choose to retreat to the Wildcat with whatever remnants of cognitive ability you still possess. While you know damn well that you should be paying attention, you slack off and read the paper, cover to cover. Good for you.

Thursday... You're almost there, tiger. With the time to the weekend being counted in hours rather than days you need is a mind-numbing and assine way to pass the time. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to bubble in all the bubbly letters in the entire newspaper. You know, all the p's, d's, q's, o's and the like. Not mindless enough for you, hotshot? Friends reruns come on at 7 p.m.

TGIF. Since it's for all intents and purposes the weekend already, it's time to get creative. Don't find the news in the Wildcat interesting enough? Make your own. I say you pretend to be a CIA agent, and give the paper the ol' magic marker treatment, like secret goverment documents regarding stuff like J. Edgar Hoover's crossdressing and the Bay of Pigs invasion. Had you been crafty enough, you could have modified the previous sentence to say "I pretend to be a crossdressing pig" with a few minor deletions. The possiblities are almost endless. Then, you go spend your weekend getting hammered. Or maybe you'll want to get hammered before you play censor. Whatever. Just don't sniff that magic marker, or you'll have some problems.

I don't have to tell you that the most horrible reality of civilized life is a Monday morning. Despite what your hangover tells you, the weekend is now over. Back to school, back to boredom, back to slacking off with the Wildcat. Time to make Wildcat paper dolls, err action figures. The process is easy. Simply cut out a person-shaped piece from the newspaper. Then, cut out the mug shot of a Wildcat reporter and tape it on. For even more fun, deface the reporter's picture. I might add as a side note that I think I would look swell with a Rollie Fingers-style moustache and a V.I. Lenin-esque goatee. Now that you've got these cool Summer Wildcat Action Figures, use that imagination that public education has been suppressing and start playing. Maybe pit me against Mary Fan in an all out, no-holds-barred brawl. Enjoy.

Tuesday morning, and you're in the homestretch. You've almost made it through an entire week with your copy of the Wildcat. Hence, it's time to celebrate. Take the your Wildcat action figures (if you can bear to part with them), and the newspaper you have left, and tear them up into little pieces. Yes, you read right. Shred 'em. In honor of your resilience, the only logical thing to do is to throw yourself a ticker-tape parade on the Mall with these newspaper scraps. For extra fun, give Chopper 13 a call, and see if you can't get them to provide live coverage. Besides, it's not like Tucson has any real news to cover. After all, you're a real American hero. You deserve it.

So there you have it, folks. Five days of Wildcat fun for the price of one. Besides, what else are you going to do in class? Pay attention? I didn't think so.

Ryan Chirnomas is a molecular and cellular biology junior. To him, sniffing magic markers is just part of the fun.