Maple leaf love

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Summer Wildcat Ryan Chirnomas

Hello. My name is Ryan, and I am a Canadian. If any group needs a 12-step help group, it's Canadians. As someone who has lived on both sides of the border, I believe that I can speak with an objective viewpoint. However, it is only fair to state that I have not actually resided in the Great White North since I was about the size of that damn maple leaf. That said, I've paid enough visits to know the Saskatchewan Roughriders from the Ottawa Rough Riders.

Canada suffers from the strongest case of "nation envy" on the globe. It's basically an inferiority complex. Think about it. With no actual culture of their own, Canadians feel that they must leech off ours. When was the last time you went out for "Canadian food?" I didn't think so. In this void of culture, Canadians take credit for what America has made great. For example, many Canadians like to brag about the pointless fact that the inventor of basketball, Joseph Naismith, was Canadian. Interesting, but who cares?

Right now, you might be wondering, "Where and what is this 'Canada' you speak of?" If this is the case, please GRO Geography 101. Or if you haven't the time, here's a quick refresher course:

Canada is our friendly neighbor to the north. The second largest nation on Earth, Canada holds in its control thousands of square miles of the best frozen tundra in the world.

"Hmm. Neat. So, how does Canada's government work?"

It doesn't. In theory, however, it's a confederation with parliamentary democracy. Unlike the United States, Canada has a prime minister. That's right, kids, just like the British. Canada also has ten provinces, similar to what are called states here in our country. It's not that tough to figure out.

Canadians suffer from less social strife than our nation, but their economic woes more than make up for it. Canada has a socialized medical system. That right, all you Communist-fearing, gun-owning, God-loving Americans Ð Socialism. This is great if you're poor, but otherwise you get kinda pissed off waiting a year for a simple cataract surgery.

And stuff is really expensive up there. In addition to a weak Canadian dollar, there is something called a GST tax. Its basically a 14 percent to 16 percent sales tax, depending on where you live. It is affectionately called the BST (BullShit Tax) by many disgruntled taxpayers and tourists. They also have "funny money" up there. A wallet full of cash is like a rainbow of financial goodness. That's right, blue, red, even purple money.

"Eh? What are all those funny Canadian words?"

According to my informal poll, (essentially taken from conversations from cousins and grandparents) approximately 86.3 percent of Canadian sentences end with "Eh?" If you look in a Canadian-to-English dictionary, you will find that the closet translation is "Huh?" It's just that Canadians use it very often.

In fact, Canada even has its own letter, called "Zed." Americans can look for it following our letter "Y." Like our British friends, they spell stuff strangely up there. Here's a simple how-to for all you Yanks out there: flip-flop the 'r' and 'e', and ignore the 'u.' Pretty simple. If you're looking for the foreigners among us, just remember that Canadians can be distinguished by their gross mispronunciation of the letter 'o'. It is not possible for me to explain it on paper, but just listen for it. You'll know when you're speaking with a Canadian infidel.

You might say, "This sounds great, but I don't speak French."

That's OK. Most of Canada hates the French-Canadians anyway. No writings about the Great White North would be complete without at least a brief mentioning of the "distinct society" up there. Due to the fact that the Quebecois take extreme pride in being founded in colonial days by criminals, debtors and other political riffraff, the province is on the verge of secession. To make a long story short, Canada may be disbanded within about five years because of this mess. But don't be alarmed. They're too polite to let anything unruly happen.

I hope you've learned a little bit about our often misunderstood 'neighbours' to the north from this little dissertation. Now, you may correctly answer any Trivial Pursuit question about Canada correctly. Just remember, you must end all answers with the word "Eh?"