UA, Inc.

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Summer Wildcat Ryan Chirnomas

During the past few months, there's been a lot of talk criticizing the university, claiming that it has sold its soul, and that of its students, to Madison Avenue. Pepsi. Nike. Saguaro Credit Union. All I have to say to protesters is, quit your whining and deal with it. Like my dad always says, "Money talks, and bullshit walks." It's capitalism, baby, and this little country of ours runs on it.

Besides, I say, if you're going to do something, do it right and go all out. Corporate sponsorship is the wave of the future, and there's a lot of room for expansion. Every facet of university life can eventually be bought and sold by a Fortune 500 company. Allow me to demonstrate a few hypothetical situations:

"...Hello everybody, and welcome to Coronado. My name is Andrew and I'll be your R.A. this year. Before we begin with check-in stuff, let me first take a quick commercial break. This portion of the semester is brought to you by the Trojan Condom Company, Domino's Pizza, and Keystone & Keystone Light, 'America's Budget Beers for today's college student.' Okay, moving on...See?"

It's all about demographics. Strategic marketing. Find a group of people and market to them. Observe:

"All right class, this is Chemistry 241a, 'Principles of Organic Chemistry.' Over the next semester, we'll be studying the exciting world of organic chemistry. You'll notice that in your class notes packet is a sample of Extra-Strength Tylenol, the brand successful cramming students use most. Also, you'll find a coupon for 50 cents off your next purchase of Vivarin. Let me remind you that your first exam is three weeks from today. With that said, please open your books to chapter one..."

Catching on yet? Give the people what they want. Sell it and they will come.

"Hey everyone! Welcome to the first meeting of Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity's fall Rush! Look around you. These are the men who will become your brothers and best friends for life. OK, let's get started. First, Alpha Sigma Sigma would like to thank its awesome sponsors: BMW, makers of the Ultimate Driving Machine, and Levi's cotton Dockers' Nice Pants.'"

Hey, I don't claim to be an economics major, but I do know that we live in a world of capitalism and corporate greed. In fact, a wise man once said, "There is no world anymore, only corporations." Of course, that wise man ended up plummeting into a fiery abyss at the hands of his villainous superior, Dr. Evil. Nobody ever said capitalism was pretty.

All these big corporations are using us, so let's use them back. For the small price of a few ads, and a touch of dignity and credibility, we can become a first-class institution. Hey, who among us would really mind that much if it were the Pepsi Student Union? That is, if they're paying, of course. How about the Microsoft-McKale Center? Or the MasterCard Integrated Learning Center?

I learned real quick that the UA is a business first, an educational facility second. And that's just fine with me...just make sure to put a Swoosh¬ on my diploma.

Ryan Chirnomas is a molecular and cellular biology junior. His column appears weekly in the Arizona Summer Wildcat.