It's not just a school, It's a wardrobe

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Summer Wildcat Ryan Chirnomas

So there I was, sitting at the computer trying with no avail to come up with a topic for this week's column. Being the procrastinating phenom that I am, I decided to postpone the task at hand for any viable alternative. After a quick glance across the room at the mound of clothes slowly consuming my room, a la The Blob, I decided that it was time to do the dirty deed - laundry. Oddly enough, however, it was during this little interlude that something strange occurred to me. Without the University of Arizona, I would be naked, or at least topless.

Allow me to explain myself. I am not exactly a connoisseur of fashion. Every day, my wardrobe is decided by which T-shirt is on top in my drawer. To me, dressing up is when I wear a belt. Call me a slob, a schlepper, a bum, whatever. I am a walking, breathing fashion faux pas.

So needless to say, the UA is heaven for a not-so-snazzy dresser like myself. Heaven because of its accepting attitude toward nearly any way of life? Not quite. Heaven because of its almost year-round short sleeve weather? Nope. What makes this campus utopia is the fact that it's a veritable Mecca of free T-shirts.

Ah, yes, the T-shirt. The crowning achievement of this great nation. The nearly indestructible garment we all know and love. Easy to wash, comfortable to wear, and it always matches with jeans. What more could you ask for?

During the past two years, I've managed to accumulate a substantial collection of free T-shirts from various sources. If it's free T-shirts you desire, then look no further than the UA Mall. In the T-shirt game, the Mall is, well, just that - a shopping mall. However, here the proprietor is not The Gap or Dillard's, but rather, your friendly credit card company or long distance service provider.

Of course, everything has its price. In the "real world," money is exchanged for goods or services. Or at least that's what I've been told. I've been living on Planet College for so long now, I don't remember what the rest of society is like. Likewise, in college commerce, everything has its price. Instead of greenbacks, you pay by filling out a nice little survey. Or perhaps you give them your Social Security number. (Too bad that theory didn't hold true with that CatCard/MCI/Saguaro Credit Union fiasco.) A few vital demographic facts, and bingo - free T-shirt.

Perhaps putting your life story on a little questionnaire isn't your cup of tea. Worry not, my friend, there are still plenty of free T-shirt opportunities out there for you. Just join one of the university's swell clubs or social organizations. Sign up with nearly anything from an honorary to a religious club to intramural sports and get a swank tee. And do I even need to mention the Greek system? They're practically T-shirt factories up there on First Street. Rush shirts, Bid Day shirts, Date Dash shirts, the list goes on and on. I can't keep up with it all. I even once saw a shirt commemorating a certain frat's getting off probation, complete with a Monopoly-style "get out of jail free" card. Now that's hip.

All right, so clubs aren't your thing either. Fair enough. How about some noble charitable causes? Spend a Saturday morning picking up trash somewhere, get a free shirt. Paint a fence or two or run a few miles. Maybe just stuff some envelopes. T-shirts, baby, T-shirts. In fact, I have a friend who filled out enough forms to get eight free Cedric Dempsey T-shirts. It's good to see that benevolence and compassion are alive and well in today's society.

Any way you slice it, free clothing is the name of the game. Score is kept not in points, but in the number of silk-screened duds you have. And the prize to the victors? A longer window between laundry days. Let the games begin.

Ryan Chirnomas is a molecular and cellular biology junior.