By Ezekiel Buchheit
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 18, 1997

It's the pervert's fault that I can't get a date

Arizona Daily Wildcat Ezekiel Buchheit

The women on campus are starting to scare me. They spend far too much time fondling their mace. And not in that this-is-my-mace-and-I-love-it-and-just-want-to-show-it-emotion fondle, but in that go-ahead-and-undress-me-with-your-eyes-amoral-pig fashion, and this scares me. I fear that these women are getting a little too trigger happy, a little too willing to just let loose and blind a couple of innocent male perverts. They will be sitting in their class, waiting. Waiting for that sex offender to make his first move, waiting for an unwanted come on, or attack, or sneeze, with their fingers on their mace, sweaty from nerves, anxiety, desire, until finally, while giving his oral report, Joe Pro-Feminist steps right past the edge and into sexual distortion:

"So we see, in order to create equality between the genders, to ease fear in the hearts forged through years of sexist repression of women, we must keep abreast of current-"

"Aughhh! Pervert! Attack!"

BOOOOWSHHH!!!

Down goes Joe, under the table clawing out his melting eyes after being hit by 35 angry women armed to the teeth in his ethics class.

And I am not about to ask someone on a date. I remember back when I was 12 years old and I first kissed a girl. She stopped talking to me entirely. It was incredibly embarrassing, but definitely the preferred situation. Nowadays, if I attempted to kiss someone, anyone, even prostitutes, death would be sure to follow. The most frustrating part of this, is that I don't blame women for their nerves. They have to be this way. The world's so saturated with perverts that women have no other choice but to cap all approaching men. Just to make sure.

The fact that we have reached a point in society where women can no longer walk alone from a class late at night to their car or to their dorm sickens and disturbs me. We have people selling T-shirts from victims; there is a market for this. So many women are being victimized that there is an actual market!

There are women who have been assaulted and/or raped and blame themselves. Women who fear their assailant so much that they do not even report an attack. Women whose entire lives have been permanently distorted because one Godless sexually repressed male can't drive himself down to the local adult bookstore and buy himself a video, and instead takes the life from his victim to satisfy himself in his grotesque moment of pleasure.

And we accept it. Rape is not even a federal crime. Why? Because a rape victim can still vote. Murder is a felony, for the opposite reason. While I am up here, towering on my soap box, allow me to make one thing abundantly clear: Murder destroys the body, rape destroys the soul. And since I am still up here, let me also say that I support entirely that convicted rapists be subjected to either castration with some type of permanent incarceration, or death by microwave.

I would like to apologize for having lost the humor of the article, this is not at all where I meant to take this. I will try to bring it back.

All of this social disease has made women nervous, for good reason, and has severely affected, and here is where the true social commentary starts, my dating life. Now I know what some of you are doing, you are shaking your head, looking at the little picture of me at the top and saying "I wouldn't be so sure it's all the psycho's fault." Well I believe that the substance of a person exists on the inside and that it is this true beauty that will come through and take a woman's heart as my captive. I also live in a grossly deluded world where I have long drawn out discussions with my Fruit Loops, and cry every time someone uses my special word "the."

Anyway.

The point here is, now we get down to my sinister motivation for writing this, that there is a female with whom I would like to at least talk to, but I fear mere approach for the obvious two reasons: 1. I have never been too fond of mace and 2. she is taller than me. I am not sure which disturbs me more. If any of you out there have any advice for me in this situation, drop me a note, I could use the help. And for the record, no, I have never been maced, although there is always hope for the future.

Ezekiel Buchheit is a freshman majoring in English