By Zach Thomas
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 25, 1997

Buried in bureaucracy

Arizona Daily Wildcat Zach Thomas

My humanities professor predicted the fall of American civilization within the next 100 years.

I'm not sure I believe him, though sometimes I'd sure like to.

Do you know his reasoning?

Bureaucracies. That one word somehow spells death.

As an Egyptologist, he bases his theory on ancient civilizations that fell between 200 and 300 years after their inception because bureaucracies grew larger and larger and governments ceased responding to citizens' needs.

To the untrained eye, this may seem like a lot of bunk. But it's good, sound bunk.

Thus, I have a simpler explanation. I base my theory on paperwork.

Bureaucracies sloooow theeee paaaace dowwwwwwn with paperwork. And can you sign for that? And I've gotta get my supervisor to make her mark on that? And that'll take four to six weeks for the guy in the next room to initial because his head is too far up his ass right now.

Have you ever spent a half-hour on hold waiting for the phone company dude to get on the line to read your outstanding balance - which incidentally gets worse every time you call to check on it.

This is not broken-down technology at work. This is the bureaucrat on the other end of the line taking a coffee break, because she's entitled by contract to one every four hours. I say, 'Screw the contract.' Try some customer service.

Can you guess I have something against bureaucrats?

However, this innate dislike is not merely empty posturing. I know my enemy and I know them firsthand. In fact, I've worked in and around the largest bureaucracy of all - and no, I didn't work in the UA Parking and Transportation department.

I had a job in Washington, D.C. Yes, that's right - the federal government: font of mostly meaningless rules, regulations and restrictions ... making up for them through occasional moments of greatness.

The United States Government has become so huge that it handles all media-related issues through 'press offices,' which are populated primarily by recent college grads and older bureaucrats who woke up one morning and found they couldn't handle a real job.

I was working as a reporter, so at least I had these inept liaisons to work around. The general public has a bleaker situation. They must go through dreaded 'Public Relations' offices.

I made that mistake once, as I called the Pentagon's public relations office instead of their press liason. I should be able to get the same info, right?

Wrong.

I was transferred to (count 'em) 13 different offices before I got a hold of someone who knew what he was talking about. Then he told me he couldn't fulfill my request. I'd have to call the press office.

Did someone mention a load of bunk?

Notwithstanding some horror stories, I don't believe bureaucracies are the problem nor are the top dogs who pull the strings. The former is but the sum of its constituent parts, and I'll concede the latter probably have larger issues to worry about.

The locus lies with bureaucrats commanding bureaucrats within the collective brain of any bureaucracy.

It's because your stereotyped bureaucrat is the type of person who doesn't care what you think ... they care what their boss thinks. And he cares what his supervisor thinks. And she cares what her manager thinks. No one gives a damn what you think. In fact, it often seems no one gives a damn whether or not you exist.

For to the stereotyped bureaucrat, life is boring in general. There are neither lewd late-night movies nor midnight runs for pizza or to the strip joint. Work starts at 8:30 a.m. sharp ... period. No room for spontaneity there.

I fear even art museums are lost on these people (and there are few things in this world more monotonous than modern art), as it seems even that would be too exciting for them.

There is a clear lack of motivation ... and who can blame them when one's life consists of walking between this and that office trying to find someone to initial a piece of paper.

As all work and no play clearly makes Jack a dull boy, I concede that bureaucracies can work. Sometimes. If they aren't top-heavy and clumsy.

But more and more I fear my humanities professor might be right ... as superfluous paperwork causes a rampant lack of government responsiveness.

Thus it appears our only way out is to quit grooming people to fit into a bureaucracy.

And as you can see, that requires everyone to be shaggy.

So make sure your kids look like a Satsquatch and we might survive.

Zach Thomas is a junior majoring in journalism. And yes, while reporting in Washington, D.C. he was indeed transferred 13 times within the Pentagon ... 14 if you count the final call to the press office.