By Ezekiel Buchheit
Arizona Daily Wildcat
November 20, 1997

Relax? In College?

Arizona Daily Wildcat Ezekiel Buchheit

Writing for the Wildcat, I am constantly presented with hot topics and issues from the layman on the street who is interested in my opinion on the subject. A typical conversation can go like this: "Hi. You being Ezekiel and all, what are your thoughts on me, being an average citizen hoping to somehow make a difference on this world, beating the hell out of you right now?"

To which I immediately reply that they have mistaken me for Ezekiel, and that some other person is Ezekiel, followed by my random pointing at anyone, male, female or light pole, and a hasty retreat.

So you will understand when I say that sometimes the stress of college gets to me and I just need to relax. This, I have come to discover, is a problem for other students as well. So in an effort to make everyone else's life easier I have compiled some ideas for rest and relaxation for students, though your time could probably be much better spent doing something academically productive. I've heard studying is a good thing.

Anyway, here are a few of the most popular ways to unwind:

1. Drugs. This is by far the most popular choice among college students. I don't care what any survey says, I would bet that about 90 percent of first- and second-year students choose this route. Why? Because after a week of studying, and tests and cram sessions, there is nothing more fulfilling than to just get rip-roaring drunk, urinate every 15 minutes and vomit on yourself. It's just one of life's little rewards.

Alcohol isn't the only drug used. Some people, very very bad people, use drugs that are of the illegal variety (I know how shocked those of you who have been living in caves all your lives are right now). The basic relaxation theory this is that you have around 97 percent of your brains cells locked in a dormant, non-functional state, so the probability that the drug is going to attack and kill the one with your phone number on it is worth risking when compared to the fun you could be having on the drug, trying to pull out the bugs that now live under your skin.

2. Go do something. Here's a real generic idea, but works just as well, without so much shock to your body. Go see a flick. Nowadays movies are so mindless and pander to such a low denominator, you don't ever have to worry about thinking. You can sit and be entertained (I guess) for a couple of hours without so much as stimulate any more brain cells than you do when you sleep.

Here is a good one. Go fishing. We have some beautiful lakes here and around Tucson. Go grab your rod, grab your tackle box, forget the worms - you're not going to catch anything, that's a given - and hike on down to a lake for endless hours of sitting and - well I guess that's about it. Sitting. With a occasional cast, but the real pro fisherman can do without that, too. It's probably obvious that this is my favorite of the choices. There's nothing like going to an amazing lake, and sitting for six hours. And when I don't have this option, a good alternative is to just stare at paint.

3. Sports. Naw, you can just ignore this option. I won't insult anyone's intelligence.

4. Sex. This would have come in first, except that men are liars, so it's hard to calculate the true average indulgence in this activity. If ever a male tells you of his conquests, you have to remember to divide it by a factor of about 11 to get an accurate count. This taken in mind, it turns out that in general most people outside of Scoreonado have this established as a firm second or third place.

There are only five or six weekends in a week, by my count, so you've got to go for all the gusto you can. Learn to relax and you will find the rest of your college life somehow more bearable. People understand how tough college is, the endless hours of toil, the pain you put into your work, the sadness at receiving a low grade despite all your efforts. Reward yourself with relaxation.

That's all I have for this week. I've spent 12 minutes on this and I feel I've earned some time off. Anyway, I've got a soccer game to go to. I play right forward.

Just kidding.

Ezekiel Buchheit is a freshman majoring in English.