By Jennifer Mckean
Arizona Daily Wildcat
December 8, 1997

Sucker Punch

Arizona Daily Wildcat Jennifer Mckean

How can a woman fall madly in love with the man of her dreams, marry him, raise three "perfect" children with him and then 15 years later realize that she is a lesbian? It's possible. In fact, more and more women all over the country are leaving their husbands of 10 or 25 years for other women, and they are open about it.

Experts say that it is quite common for a woman experiencing mid-life to question her sexuality, her happiness and her choices in life. It's quite another thing to awake one morning and suddenly decide that you want to be in a same-sex relationship. Can you imagine the shock to her husband, and what about the children?

Most women say that they have not been keeping a deep, dark secret from their families. Women admit that the sudden realization that they are gay is even a shock to them. One woman said that she was living the American dream. She always knew that she would marry the man that she did. She always wanted two children, one boy and one girl. That is exactly what she got. Life was good. So what went wrong? How does she abruptly decide that she is a lesbian?

One woman admitted that after her youngest boy went off to college, she started spending more time with her church organization. One afternoon, an openly gay woman walked up to her and introduced herself. She said that she immediately knew that she was a lesbian, from that point on.

"I looked up and she smiled and I felt like someone hit me in the head with a two-by-four. Actually, they hit me in the heart with a two-by-four. There was no question, I was in love with her. I started to cry," she said.

Most women who "become" lesbians later in life say that they never thought of other women while they were married. The concept of lesbianism never even crossed their minds, most say. One woman's husband swore that they weren't faking it. They were a happy couple. They were very satisfied together sexually. His wife agreed, but she added that sex is only part of being a lesbian. Psychologists say that it has to do with who you can be intimate with, with whom you can fall in love.

"You can't say that something turns you gay," said one woman, "It just happens to you." My question is, how does it just happen to you? How does someone else make you gay? I didn't think that it was a decision that someone could make about their sexuality. I always believed that people who practiced same-sex relationships were born with some element of homosexuality to them. And if they went through their whole lives in relationships with members of the opposite sex, they were just denying their true sexuality out of ignorance or fear.

So what are we suppose to think when women right and left are DECIDING TO BE LESBIANS? What are we suppose to be teaching our children about family values?

I have come to the conclusion that women are defining themselves as "feminists" and "lesbians" because it has become cool in this society. Of course, there are a million complicated reasons for someone's individual sexuality, but one reason that people are becoming openly gay is because there is an element of excitement to it. Some say that a certain "brand" of lesbians are fashionable and chic.

But why are so many women suddenly deciding at mid-life that they don't want to pretend anymore? Experts say that women deny their sexual-orientation because it was not accepted when they were growing up. When women are aware of same-sex feelings in a marriage, they are often terrified of those feelings.

These "overnight" lesbians are destroying their families. I've always been open to the idea of homosexuality. I think it's great. People should be who they feel they are. They should be honest with themselves, and most importantly, they should feel free to express themselves. But you are either gay or you are straight, right? Isn't that what the gay population has been trying to convince us since the early '80s? You don't choose your sexual orientation.

Well, apparently some of you do. A special about lesbians leaving their husbands for other women aired on "20/20" recently. It was sad to see the effects of one woman's decision on her children and her husband.

Her husband was confused and hurt. He wondered who was the person he married, what he might have done to make her be a lesbian after 20 years of marriage and whether every sexual experience they had shared was a lie.

Many of these women aren't in abusive relationships, they aren't driven to the opposite sex, they just decide to change their lives one day, whatever the consequences.

Many children can't deal with the shock that their mother and father are not only getting divorced, but they are getting divorced because their mother is in love with another woman. Kids worry about what their friends will say. They feel rage and hatred toward their mother!

"It's hard to have a parent that's gay or a lesbian. Friends are always asking why don't we ever see your mom with a boyfriend and do you think that your mom is going to get married again," one little girl said.

One woman explained how difficult it is to tell your children what Mom is doing. But she admitted that there was no comparison between her heterosexual relationships and her homosexual relationship.

"She's a woman. She understands the way women feel. Not that men aren't great. I love men, but it's different."

"As our society becomes more open, we learn how little we know. Sexual preferences - is it environment or are we born that way?" Barbara Walters asked.

Jennifer McKean is a junior majoring in journalism