By M. Stephanie Murray
Arizona Daily Wildcat
December 10, 1997

Online shopping for the naughty and the nice

Arizona Daily Wildcat Alien Santa (four for $9.95) available at Archie McPhee's (www.mcphee.com).

So many gifts, so little energy, free time or motivation to go shopping for your friends and loved ones. One of the many underrated benefits of the cyber-age is the ability to check your list twice and shop from the comfort of your own home. You don't even have to put pants on. So, come with us now, as Ground Zero takes you on a magical tour through the worldwide wonderland web of online shopping.

Archie McPhee's (www.mcphee.com) is the place for arrested development online. There is a hard copy of the store, located in Seattle, but you don't need to travel to the soggy city to enjoy the cornucopia of joy that is McPhee. The online catalog is arranged in helpful categories like "The Sci-Fi Files," home to the Alien Babies (package of three, $5.50), and "Nerd Essentials," where you can pick up a $2.95 pair of Nerd Glasses. "Relics & Icons" houses the wind-up terror that is Nunzilla (two for $6.95) and the peace and serpent-crushing figure of the Glow Maria (four for $4.95).

"Anatomy 101" is where the sick whimsy of Archie McPhee's inventory is most obvious. Aunt Matilda may not know how much she needs the Brain Gelatin Mold ($7.95), but you, the loving relative, can offer her the satisfaction of that perfect dessert cerebellum. If you just can't decide, the "Body Bag Collection" offers a specially selected assortment of "skeletal keyrings, rubber organs, a wide variety of eyeballs, facial parts that stretch, squish and splat, and more" for a bargain $23.95. (And if you really need a bag of body parts, you'll pay any price for it.)

Arizona Daily Wildcat Rubber Chicken ($9.95) available at Archie McPhee's (www.mcphee.com).

There are also classic McPhee items, like the perennial icon of wackiness, the rubber chicken ($9.95) and the set of four urine specimen bottles ($9.50) which hold 175ccs of fluid, the perfect size for lemonade or beer.

GlamOrama (www.glamorama.com) is another online hot spot for goofy and useless toys and gifts. Here you can buy an Inflatable Mona Lisa ($19.95), guaranteed to class up your dad's wading pool. The prayer candle selection consists of the whole Three Tacky Texans oeuvre of candles which address very '90s dilemmas; choose from the "Bigfoot-Free Camping Prayer Candle," the "Protection from Hairdressers Prayer Candle," the "Triumphant Drag Queens Prayer Candle" or about eighty million other styles ($11.95 each).

Have we mentioned the Elvis junk? The Graceland Viewmaster is every Elviphile's dream. A mere $14.95 brings the glory of Graceland into your own home; "See and feel the luxury!" entices the ad copy.

There is also a section of very creepy-looking, molded-rubber hand puppets. It may be called "Nice Doggie Puppet" ($12.95), but it looks a lot like that dead puppy sculpture that caused such a brouhaha in Bisbee a while back. The "Demon Kitty Puppet" ($12.95) is exactly that.

The "Under $10" section offers a wide range of stocking stuffers and junk for people you only like a little. Spice up that holiday dinner with a side dish of "Penis Pasta" ($8.95) "Serves up great with meatballs or alfredo sauce (wink, wink)" nudges the copy.

GlamOrama's wide selection of "Tacky T-Shirts" include their "retro-style" shirts ($17.95) that feature '50s-style illustrations with slogans like "Marijuana! At Least It's Not Crack!" and "Coffee! You Can Sleep When You're Dead!"

Arizona Daily Wildcat Unamerican Activities (www.unamerican.com) offers T-shirts for $15.

Carrying that subversive vibe a little farther is the guy behind Unamerican Activities (www.unamerican.com). He's just a bored anarchist in San Francisco who decided to make some T-shirts and some bumper stickers. You can pick up a "Jesus Hates Me" T-shirt or proclaim "i am confused" or "geek" on your clothing ($15 each). The stickers are even better: "shut up, hippy," "bad sex sucks," "jesus just left," "adults are dumb" and "darn the gov't." For a buck a piece, these stickers come in enough flavors to offend anyone.

OK, enough with the silliness. It's time for the mother of all online shopping sites. Get your butt over to Amazon (www.amazon.com) and revel in the wondrousness that is the "Earth's Biggest Bookstore," as the website's banner proclaims. Amazon has everything you could ever ask for and a number of things you never knew you needed. They also offer discounts of up to 40 percent on all titles. The Recommendation Center offers helpful suggestions based on your established likes and dislikes; rate a series of titles and a list of stuff you might enjoy pops up. They also show customer reviews alongside the titles and offer suggestions for reading group discussions.

For the holiday shopping season, Amazon has helpfully provided pre-sorted selections for the various recipient groups on your list. "Gift Ideas for Kids" helps find John Scieszka and Lane Smith's "Math Curse," an American Bookseller Award-winner, for "The Discerning Kid" in your life. For "The Person Who Has Everything," you can splurge on "A Handwritten Letter by Thomas Jefferson (Dated Philadelphia, Nov. 5, 1793 to Joseph Fenwick, Consul for the U.S. of America at Bordeaux)," a steal at $34,000. Or you can pick up the $11.99 Amazon T-shirt and wrap it with $34,000 worth of love.

Speaking of love, nothing expresses the true depth of your devotion like the gift of shoes. Steve Madden (www.stevemadden.com) makes some cool ones. Can't decide if Suzie is a platform loafer or a strappy sandal kind of gal? Check out "Zodiac for Your Sole" and make a foot connection based on her astrological sign.

Another good shoe site is Kenneth Cole (www.kencole.com). The holiday gift catalog points out "Sure you could give a fruitcake, but why?" There are shoes aplenty here, along with outerwear, watches, sunglasses, handbags and other accessories.

Arizona Daily Wildcat These snazzy mukluks are availabl at www. mukluks. com.

And after a hard day of shopping at your computer, treat yourself to a pair of moosehide mukluks (starting from $149.95) from Steger Designs (www.mukluks.com).

Whatever gifts you choose to carry your holiday wishes to your loved ones, buying them online reduces your chances of going postal in the mall parking lot. But be careful when shopping on websites; if your browser is not secure, don't send your credit card number. Every reputable online retailer will just as happily accept a check by mail; most will let you phone in orders as well.