By Eric E. Clingan
Arizona Daily Wildcat
January 21, 1998

The dodo and the pygmy: A modern fable

Arizona Daily Wildcat Eric E. Clingan

Do you miss the dodo? Were your daily travails and trivialitiesyesterday rendered inconvenient as the result of the demise of dinosaurs from your street corners? Or is it possible that the lack of certain creatures roaming recklessly over this imperfect Earth has actually contributed to the quality of your life?

Those questions are derived from Tucson's latest local controversy. To wit, approximately twelve pygmy owls in an Amphitheater School District-owned area of the city currently threaten the future growth of this town. Tucsonans today are justifiably worried over the nightmarish prospect of real job losses and declining income levels which all too often accompany an overnight halting of economic expansion and construction.

The pygmy owl is currently listed as an endangered species along with an array of slimy invertebrates and insignificant frogs which lack the ability to adapt to this changing world, let alone the intelligence to say "Bud - Weis - Er" on cue. Unfortunately, these twelve birds have selected, and thereby cursed, Tucson as their habitat of choice. This has led to a small band of angry environmentalists, armed to the teeth with legal epithets, to all but guarantee that the future growth of this city will be entirely dependent upon this foul flock and their lack of adaptation to the existence of the human species in their sphere of life.

Their plan is to drown Tucson's builders, entrepreneurs and working-class citizens in the desert with an ocean of legal paperwork and civil suits solely designed to make the cost of prosperity entirely prohibitive. These actions have amounted to a legal iceberg, effectively gouging into future construction and directly tying building approval to the possibility that these twelve birds might fly or nest in any area in question. Passengers aboard the Titanic had a better future upon leaving port.

Many environmentalists, when weighing the arguments of creationism against Darwinism, opt for the latter. Not surprisingly, their logic conveniently stops short of embracing Darwin's ultimate premise. That is, to paraphrase here, "Only the strongest shall survive."

It is at this point that environmentalism normally cedes to socialism, complete with its outdated dreams of property redistribution and confiscatory governmental policies. The irony is lost on these environmental crusaders as their thinking again vacillates, this time towards the biblical edict, "The meek shall inherit the Earth."

For its very survival, what this city is in dire need of is a not-so-reckless 12-year-old with a BB gun, willing to trade a possible three-month stint in juvenile detention for status as a true working-class hero.

Another suggestion would be to incorporate a novel plan employing some potential criminals for the purposes of community service. Across Tucson, gangs are opening fire on their rivals for little or no material reward. Perhaps someone will put a bounty on this bird, allowing these hoodlums to advance their AK-47s into the Amphi area, thereby effectively contributing to the further economic expansion and related job growth this city has so recently enjoyed.

Clearly, today's brand of environmentalism has gone too far. It lacks the logical, cohesive base required for adaptability to the art of compromise, a trait shared with their pet species of the day.

In between mouthfuls of tofu and granola, some environmentalists are busy braiding hemp while others chain themselves to trees in ridiculous efforts to bring back the lonely last vestiges of their parents' "Summer of Love" '60s. Instead of tie-dye and dirty dreadlocks hidden under headgear resembling a Jiffy Pop container, these fringe groups would do their cause a greater service by donning ties and corporate haircuts and coming to the table to negotiate a settlement ostensibly palatable to all sides.

The proposals contained herein may seem outlandish and sacrilegious to some, but the current unbending will of many environmentalists is equally destructive to the efforts of mankind to create a world in balance with their surroundings. The bottom line is, according to their prophet Darwin, himself, "The strongest shall survive."

Eric E. Clingan is a senior majoring in political science. His column, "The Provocateur," appears every Wednesday.