By Jill Dellamalva
Arizona Daily Wildcat
February 13, 1998

In the news? You lose.

Arizona Daily Wildcat Jill Dellamalva

I waited five years to get to Cuba to show that dictator some manners. I could have helped steer 11 million people toward freedom and democracy and that woman-chaser knocks me off the front page. When I get back to the Vatican, I'm going to send him a copy of the Ten Commandments, and I'll highlight the appropriate parts which apply to his problem."

O.K., the Pope didn't really say this, but I'll bet he was thinking it - especially as he took the back page to Clinton and Lewinsky on the week of January 25. That week and the weeks leading up to this one have been an absolute bonanza for the news media.

"Why couldn't the Pope have stayed in Cuba an extra five days?" Clinton probably thought. "He would have gained back the spotlight and Hillary and I would have had some rest from the constant chatter about Monica, Paula and Gennifer. I know he's sickly and old, but where are our friends when we need them? I also wish Fidel hadn't been such a good host. In fact, I wish he had been downright rude. The media would have made a big deal about it, and my story would have been diminished."

And, of course, there's good old Saddam, who was most likely hiding under the covers of one of his beds in one of his 100 palaces. Can't you just hear him: "What should I do? Should I push now that the President is under fire? Is this a golden opportunity? But I guess I have to be careful because he might bomb the hell out of us to divert everybody's attention away from his problems. That lucky Fidel had the Pope scolding the U.S. about the embargo. I think I'll contact the Vatican and propose a visit here - I could sure use some help with the embargo against us."

On the serious side, maybe Saddam should get rid of the stuff he's hiding - you know, like the 38,000 chemical weapons, 48 operational missiles, six missile launchers and 30 special missile warheads for chemical and biological weapons the U.N. Special Commission has already destroyed. Next time, he shouldn't claim that the 50,000 liters of anthrax and botulinum (which could kill millions of people) was for animal feed. I'd like to see that national zoo.

Pretty sad.

But back to news losers, I must say that the biggest loser of all as a result of the news avalanche was Karla Faye Tucker, who was executed on February 3. Not only did she appear on various talk shows, such as "Larry King Live," to plead for her cause, but she even had the Pope pleading for her. She had some very powerful support from the Rev. Pat Robertson and the entire Christian Coalition. The reason? She was "born again." You think she'd get enough media attention to halt the execution. However, Clinton, Fidel, Saddam, the Super Bowl and even the Pope left her story buried on page 22E of the classified section. I guess that's just what happens to someone who hacks two people to death with a pickax, though.

So who's the next big news loser? Only the on-coming week will tell. Did you know that Yasser Arafat was in Washington a little while ago trying to get Israel to give up more land? Or that Benjamin Netanyahu was also there, disliking Arafat's plan? How about the Oscars? Or the Olympics? Maybe you do know about all of these things. Maybe you don't. I guess it all depends on how much attention you pay to the news and how closely you read.

Either way, one word of advice: If you're planning on going out and committing murder, espionage, robbing a bank, or anything else - next week's no good. We've got a possible war, a whole lot of sports going on in Nagano and a girl named Monica taking up the front page. You'll be buried faster than your story. Just ask Karla Faye.

Jill Dellamalva is a junior majoring in creative writing and journalism. Her column, "Some Might Say," appears every other Friday.