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Driving Miss Crazy

By Sarah Johnson
Arizona Daily Wildcat
February 26, 1999
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Arizona Daily Wildcat

Sarah Johnson


No matter what city you begrudgingly call home, one thing is universal: you've had to put up with bad drivers. Those of you with a foot in reality will admit to being bad drivers yourselves; the rest of you prefer to boast of your mastery of automobile control.

"Dude!" proclaims one such motorist, "I once totally took this corner going, like, 94 mph and didn't even roll my dad's SUV!"

"Du-hude!" reply his disciples, as they proclaim him king of the road.

(Begin sarcastic rant.)

For it is evident that one with such talents should be handed our nation's most prestigious awards. Only then can he begin his crusade against all that is unholy on our country's mighty roadways. His first action shall be the abolition of the 75 mph speed limits. That speed is fine for city drivers, but commuters need something that will make things move -115 mph minimum freeway speeds.

Next, we must do something about those pesky people who slow at yellow lights and stop on red. Change traffic laws making yellow (as we all know) "speed up" and red "look both ways before crossing."

Finally, traffic cops will have the power to arrest in the following situations: slowing before making a sharp turn, signaling to change lanes and failing to yield to someone going the wrong way on a one-way street.

(End rant.)

I almost found myself guilty of this last offense Monday at approximately 7:15 p.m., as a white four-door careened off of Second Street onto Mountain heading north. Fortunately, an accident was avoided, but an important lesson was learned: Mountain Avenue is home to the spoiled drivers whose parents handed them high-priced vehicles to compensate for the lack of responsibility they have handed down over the years.

This has been supported extensively of late. First, by the spoiled brat who ran the stop sign at Mountain and Helen. Next by the schmuck who ran the red light, and then, the twit who failed to look before leaping and hit said car, sending it into three pedestrians waiting on the corner.

If only people would delve back to that day so far in the past when they took their driving test and try applying some of those boring lil' techniques they taught you in driver's ed; for example, I never fully appreciated the importance of turning from the left lane to the left and from the right to the right until I witnessed two cars, one turning left (off of Mountain ironically) the other turning right, both headed for the middle lane, narrowly avoiding a collision.

So if I can add one final note of advice to my fellow driver, avoid Mountain like the plague - it's full of frickin' idiots.

Sarah Johnson passed her road test with flying colors, and is currently undergoing therapy to control her road rage.