Ask Tony

Arizona Daily Wildcat

I have difficulty asking girls for a date. They seem so unapproachable. What can I do? - Anxious

Dear Anxious,

It's obvious from your question that you simply don't get out enough. You undoubtedly spend too much time at home, "spanking the monkey," "buttering the bishop," and "corking the bat." Maybe if you weren't wasting your life "placing second in the Be-A-White-House-Intern Contest," you'd be able to meet some fine ladies. So just take some time off from "massaging Mussolini" and go to a club. You'll score in no time. And now, I must be off. My lizard needs a liposuction. - Tony

Dear Tony,

My mother-in-law posed the following riddle to me: you have to transport a wolf, a sheep, and a bale of hay across a river in a boat. Your boat is only big enough for you and one of your three passengers, so you'll have to make several trips. If you leave the wolf and the sheep alone, the wolf will eat the sheep; if you leave the sheep and the hay alone, the sheep will eat the hay. How can you get all your cargo across the river uneaten? - Puzzled

Dear Puzzled:

What your mother-in-law needs is a good kick in the crotch. Then, as she's rolling on the floor, whimpering in pain, you can frolic about the room, and ask, "Who's the smart one now, you old bag?" Trust me, this one really works. .

- Tony

Dear Tony,

Sometimes it seems like life is meaningless. I work a dead-end job for a faceless corporate empire hell-bent on industrializing the last square inch of rainforest. There's nothing good on TV, criminals run the country, and I've come to the recent conclusion that no one can really love anyone else. On really bad days, I consider suicide. Is there any reason to live? - Desolate

Dear Desolate,

I sympathize with your problem. It wasn't too long ago that I was in your very situation. It was then that I developed a little treat that can pick my spirits right back up again. First, go to your favorite grocery store and get a nice big bar of chocolate. Then, on top of that bar, sprinkle an extra-big helping of crack. Yum! - Tony

Dear Tony,

Can you recommend new shades of nail polish for the spring? - Fashion-Conscious

Dear Fashion-Conscious,

I like Revlon's "Brazenberry." It perfectly complements any spring ensemble. - Tony

Dear Tony,

Should I invest in an IRA? - Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

It's obvious from your question that you simply don't get out enough. You undoubtedly spend too much time at home, "spanking the monkey," "buttering the bishop," and "corking the bat." Invest in a damn IRA, already. Jeezus. - Tony

Dear Tony,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? - Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Die. - Tony