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There is a wrong way

By Tommy Cannon
Arizona Daily Wildcat
March 5, 1999
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Arizona Daily Wildcat

Tommy Cannon

Everyone, look out! The world is being plagued by lies - big lies, scary lies, hairy-sweaty lies, and, of course, the little white lies. Now, I'm no angel. I have, indeed, told my fair share of lies. Some of these lies include: "No, you look fine," "I don't need a map," "I love it when you put carrots in Jell-O!" and the old classic, "I swear, I didn't club Grandma repeatedly on the head with a rubber hose like a baby seal."

Nobody is perfect. We all lie. However, lying about the horrific beating of your grandmother is just human. It's natural. Now, lying to an entire nation about the myth that there is no wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is just plain sick and wrong. This lie has been propagated on television, radio, billboards, and in comic book ads. (Not that I read comic books or anything.) The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup lie is a disease and it needs to be stopped. I will now boldly say what no man has said before: there is a wrong way to eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. In fact, there are many wrong ways to go about it. I have done months of research on the topic, and I will now share with you the results.

The first wrong way to eat a Reese's that I have noted is to slap one of the peanut butter cups between two delicious slices of rye bread and eat it like a sandwich. This is terrifyingly disgusting. It causes the consumer to up-chuck the peanut butter cup. Also, it is a terrible waste of two delicious slices of rye bread. So, I must conclude that the Reese's-on-rye method is a horribly wrong way to eat a Reese's.

Another wrong way to eat a Reese's is to get a friend to chew the peanut butter cup first, spit it out, give it to you, and then you finish the process of eating the Reese's. This way is not just a wrong way to eat a Reese's, it is a beyond-wrong way to eat a Reese's. Not only do you taste the peanut butter and chocolate but you also taste what your friend had in his/her mouth earlier that day. Let me tell you, I personally don't like tasting bean burritos and chewing tobacco with my Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. This method, like the previous one, also causes the consumer to up-chuck the peanut butter cup and is therefore, wrong.

And that's only the beginning. There are almost countless decidedly wrong ways to consume this cagey candy. I could go on indefinitely, but I think I've made my point. The truth is out there. Don't believe the lies.

Please, spread this information to everyone you know. It can save a life.