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I scream, you scream, ice cream again

By Annie Holub
Arizona Daily Wildcat
April 2, 1999
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Arizona Daily Wildcat

Annie Holub

Last year, if you were paying attention, you might remember a commentary I wrote about lactose intolerance. Well, since this is something I have to deal with every day of my pathetic life, I'm writing yet another whiny rant about how much it sucks to not be able to eat dairy foods.

And this time, I'm attacking one thing: ice cream.

See, grocery stores are only beginning to cater to the lactose-deprived. They carry one, maybe two brands of lactose-removed milk and sometimes, you can find rice milk in the baking section. Once, in a grocery store in Flagstaff, I discovered rice milk in the refrigerator aisle. It was shocking. Cold rice milk! Wow!

But, normal grocery stores haven't quite caught on to the newest developments, like non-dairy ice cream. (And if you tell me that Mocha Mix is good, I'm going to whack you upside the head. I refuse to eat anything fully prepared with the word "mix" in the title. That's just wrong.)

If you go somewhere like Wild Oats (formerly Reay's) or Trader Joes, you can find things like Tofu ice cream. But not at the grocery stores that are actually open when you want ice cream. And ice cream shops? Don't even think about it. They wouldn't be caught dead with something like tofu on their menu.

Picture this: You're depressed. Either someone pissed you off or something crappy happened - regardless, life sucks and all you want is some yummy ice cream.

Only you can't eat ice cream.

Well, you think, I could hop on over to my friendly neighborhood organic foods store and spend entirely too much money on a carton of Rice Dream ("ice cream" made with rice milk) or Tofutti (tofu ice cream).

Then you look at your watch. Damn, it's 10:30 p.m. All the organic food stores are closed or closing. You sigh and resort to a nice glass of water and some carrot sticks. It's healthier, anyway.

Or picture this: You're in the grocery store with your significant other, and he or she says, "Hey, let's get some ice cream!"

"Great," you say. "I'll watch you eat it!"

It seems to me that there's a huge market out there for "fake" ice cream. I would buy it. And if that's not enough, then I'm sure weight-conscious people would buy it too. Tofu ice cream has no butterfat. Rice milk ice cream has basically no substance. But it's cold and sweet, people, and that's all you need.

Why hasn't Ben and Jerry's picked up on this? Breyers? Dreyers? Haagen Dazs? There must be Swiss people who are lactose intolerant. It could happen.

Ice cream has been around for centuries. It's time for some innovation.

Annie Holub is the editor of Catalyst, the Wildcat's weekly arts magazine, as well as a friend to cows worldwide. She can be reached at