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A parking solution

By Kevin Jernigan
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 17, 1998
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Arizona Daily Wildcat

Kevin Jernigan

Lack of parking space at the U of A has long been a popular subject for debate. In recent years, people have written numerous letters and columns for the Wildcat, offering opinions on the causes of this problem and suggestions for possible solutions.

Although the question has been thoroughly discussed, all of what has previously been written is useless, because the authors have, in all cases, failed to understand the fundamental nature of the problem.

Put quite simply, there is not enough parking space at the U of A because the parking lots are not real.

In order to be real, an object must be shattered physically. Parking lots, being discreet wide flat expanses of asphalt are not shattered and therefore not real.

To understand this better, one might consider other flat objects such as mirrors and mirages which also present an imaginary reality not accessible to physical objects. Although the problem seems simple enough when put in these terms, it is clear that many people still don't understand.

The problem with parking at the U of A campus is further compounded by the fact that cars are also not real.

The manufacture of automobiles is a constructive process that involves an effort to fuse, conglomerate and organize metal plastic and machinery to form larger objects. This process is the antithesis of shattering and explains why cars can't possibly be real. So the parking problem arises as a natural consequence of the nonexistence of both cars and parking lots. Trying to park one's car in a lot and thus superimpose these two unreal objects would be like trying to take an image from one mirror and stuff it in another.

The obvious solution to the U of A's parking problem is to shatter the cars and parking lots so that they will become real. I believe, however, that it is necessary to first explain how shattering changes the fundamental nature of an object and gives it a fuller and more substantial corporeal existence.

Shattering is essentially the act of breaking an object into tiny little pieces, and this act substantially increases the surface area of the object in question.

The parking problem is, at its most basic level a problem of space. This is most clearly expressed by the white lines in parking lots indicating the places for cars.

Certainly a relatively small number of these places can be fit into any given parking lot. However, with shattered cars and parking lots, the increased surface area and significantly larger number of discreet moveable entities would allow for a vast number of configurations in which these objects could be placed with respect to each other.

In order to implement the proposed solution, I suggest that concerned motorists gather together objects capable of cracking asphalt such as shovels, bowling balls and dynamite, and set to work shattering the parking lots. Once this is complete, we will be halfway to improved parking conditions at the U of A.

Although the administration is not to blame for the parking problem, it could assist in solving it by allocating funds to purchase several giant metal hammers. These hammers would then be placed strategically around campus so that they could smash cars driving by on their way to parking lots. This would allow people to arrive at the lots in a form that would better facilitate parking.

Kevin Jernigan graduated last year and works in a UA research lab.