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Crap, it must be lunch time

By Scott Andrew Schulz
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 23, 1998
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Arizona Daily Wildcat

Scott Andrew Schulz

What are your plans for lunch today? Oh, the struggle we must endure each and every day deciding what incredible tastes we might entice ourselves with at the UA. This afternoon, 35,000 students and faculty will have to either make the trek off campus or decide to make do with what is available, while seconds are impatiently ticking toward the next class.

What kind of options do we have?

There is McDonald's, the health capital of the world, or Domino's Pizza, which so generously charges $2 for a single slice of pizza with one and only one topping.

You will find that Domino's is even more fun than other restaurants, however, because it likes to play games while you order. You see, you might decide to order the "special" of the day, but should you forget to actually say the word "special" you get charged full price. With such a culturally diverse campus population, it makes you wonder how often Domino's takes advantage of our friends who struggle with their English.

Then there is the infamous hangout known as the "Fiddlee Fig," whose name origin continues to baffle. Here you can put together your meal and be charged down to the most insignificant of items; you can purchase a roll, but the butter is going to cost extra. In addition, you are charged what might be referred to as a "tax" at the register. Yes, many items seem to increase in value from the moment you put them on your tray to the point they are punched into the register.

Funny how often this occurs, although most people seldom notice it.

You tell yourself, there must be some other place to go. In fact, there is. You have the option of heading down to Louie's Lower Level in the Memorial Student Union for lunch where you will find a much scaled-down menu. What happened to the hamburgers? Where are the hot dogs? Where is even half of what was offered last semester?

Oh, and if you are planning on possibly stopping by here for dinner, be sure to make your purchase during the lunch rush. While Louie's technically stays open until 10 p.m., the majority of its items are already stocked away by 8:30 p.m. Thus, if you think the options at lunch here are skimpy, you are in for a rude awakening come evening.

Ah, but that is not all. Taco Bell is a story within itself and Cafe Sonora is far from being Mexican. Near these choices sits a bagel deli where you have the option of turning your bagel into a "meal" for a little more. Of course, you will have to grow accustomed to finishing your potato salad in no more than three bites. They would not want you to put on any additional pounds over lunch.

Unfortunately, the same weight reduction program must be in effect back at the Fig. Here you have a selection of mass processed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and other tasty treats that cost 75 cents per scoop. The portions continue to shrink. At last count, three to four bites per serving was the norm. Is the UA Student Health Center behind this?

You soon find that you are quickly running out of lunch ideas. There is another deli in the union with truly delicious sandwiches. Nearby is the U-Mart which is simply a convenience store with all kinds of packaged salads and ready-to-eat items. Just be sure you either put an original deposit of $2,000 down on your CatCard or you are lucky enough to be a descendent of either Ted Turner or Lute Olson because these places do not play around when it comes to setting prices. You would think you were in Russia or something.

Lastly, for those diehard, health-conscious people, exist the vending machines. With only the consumption of two or three items you can impressively double the FDA's suggested daily allowance for fat, saturated fat, and cholesterol. Throw in a Pepsi and you have your four basic food groups covered.

Why are all the choices here so bad? Why has the Likins Corporation failed to bring in a Subway or an Orange Julius or something that could serve us quality items for a reasonable price? If we must sell out, we could at least sell out to a company that serves more than just the athletes.

For now, I urge you to remember to brown bag it.

Scott Andrew Schulz is a communication junior and can be reached at His column, Millstone, appears every Wednesday.