Getting in shape (not pear-shape)

By Chris Ribas
Arizona Daily Wildcat
October 12, 1998

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Arizona Daily Wildcat

Every day, Americans are getting more and more health conscious. Whatever that means. I always thought that if you weren't conscious, you weren't all that healthy to begin with. Maybe that's one of those oxymorons, like "jumbo shrimp," "Microsoft Works," or "Registering at the U of A and actually getting the classes you want, when you want, without dialing RSVP a thousand times, calling the Registrar's office to scream at least once an hour, and ending up wandering around campus the first day of class clutching a pathetic drop add form in a quest for signatures, which no professor will give you because you should have just registered through RSVP when you had the chance."

But anyway, every day you see another article on a brand new way to stay healthy. And we, as Americans, are always willing to do anything they recommend as long as it does not involve actual effort.

Personally, I'm trying the "low-fat" method right now. The idea behind this method is that, way back when they discovered that food contained calories (from the Greek meaning "Little bastards determined to keep you a size 38 the rest of your life)," they failed to notice that there are "good" calories and "bad" calories.

"Good" calories keep you alive, full of energy, develop your muscles and grow you an abnormally large penis (they never said that, but I'm hoping), but "bad" calories just take up residence in your body, getting bigger and bigger, and refusing to leave, like when you let a friend stay on your couch "just for the week."

These bad calories are called "fat" (Greek, meaning "fat"), which are only found in certain foods, usually the good tasting ones. So some people are buying only low-fat.

But some people don't like low-fat products, mostly because they all taste like crap. So, some people are turning to exercise instead.

But, just like with diets, it's important you do the right type of exercise (and when I say "right," I of course mean "The exercise your favorite magazine recently declared popular and trendy)." The current types of exercise most popular are:

Rolling on mutant roller skates

People are once again taking to the sport of roller skating. However, in an attempt to appear as different from our parents as possible, we have deformed roller skates into something called "Roller Blades," which surprisingly are actually not sharp at all. The difference between roller skates and roller blades are where the wheels are placed. On skates, there are four wheels evenly distributed on the bottom, allowing balance, stability and the ability to easily turn. On blades, there are four wheels in a straight line, allowing you to fall on your face in front of a Sun Tran bus.

The other major difference between skates and blades is that you can achieve much faster speeds on roller blades, the assumption being that since you're going to spend so much time getting back on your feet, you need to make up lost time somewhere. And they really are fast! And they keep getting faster. Soon we'll need specially designed ways to stop going so damned fast, like retro-rockets or convenient brick walls, as by 2010 the average speed of a roller blader will be approximately 9 billion miles an hour.

Carrying oversized books around

A very popular sport among college students. You do this sport by buying a backpack (Greek, "back" meaning "torture," and "pack" meaning "device"), then buying books that cost no less than the price of a vacation home in France, then putting these books into the backpack and wearing it on your backs at all times. It's not necessary to ever actually take out the books and read them (although some graduate students do), simply to always have the backpack on, as you "might need something in here for class."

With as popular as this sport is becoming, I can see this heading toward a spot in the Olympics.

COMMENTATOR 1: And now here comes the U.S. team onto the field. Just look at their team backpacks!

COMMENTATOR 2: Now, they've decided to go with Jansport in this game, which should give them an extra book or two apiece. Also, they got free coupon books with the purchase.

COMMENTATOR 1: I don't know if I agree with their reasoning, Bob. It's not like free coupon books are hard to get. I can't walk on campus for two minutes without getting 18 coupon books, a schedule planner and a Bible.

COMMENTATOR 2: Well, Frank, I see what you mean, but my name's not Bob.

COMMENTATOR 1: So? Mine's Alice!!!!!!

I was going to close the column today with the new medical advance which allows you to lose up to two tons overnight, safely and without any side effects, but I seem to be out of space. Still, If you really want it, I'll send you the information absolutely free! Just send me $1,000 in small bills to cover the postage. And remember, when heading to the mailbox, don't walk, crawl.

Chris Ribas is a creative writing sophomore and can be reached via e-mail at Chris.Ribas@wildcat.arizona.edu.