Summering in a ghost town

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Summer Wildcat Ryan Chirnomas

Sure, I was able to raise my grade point average by a whopping five-hundredths of a point, but it wasn't exactly the most enjoyable summer of my life.

Campus was, quite literally, a ghost town.

My usually enjoyable travels across campus were not quite as entertaining as they had once been. No more bumping into friends, no more ogling at sorority girls, no more crazy Mall preachers to mock. So naturally, I had to find something to fill the void that possessed my mind while walking to class and to work.

Instead of gazing at girls and evangelists, I actually took some time to look around at campus. Somewhere along my wanderings, I made a discovery: This place is damn weird.

As a well-traveled university explorer, allow me to be your tour guide to the most puzzling landmarks on this quaint little campus of ours.

Roll up for the Magical Mystery Tour, step right this way...

The more adventurous may want to don spelunking gear for our first stop, although I certainly do not endorse an "interactive" experience, at least not without a tetanus shot first. Unbeknownst to many, the university lies atop a complex network of dark tunnels, supposedly used for occasional maintenance work. If you stumble upon a staircase descending into the earth, accompanied by a strange gas hissing noise, you've found one of the entrances.

Should you choose to enter these passages, you're not only a trespasser, but far braver than I.

Certainly, my vivid imagination's idea of subterranean catacombs inhabited by rats, bugs and vampires cannot be far from the truth.

Perhaps you're not the thrill-seeking type, but more of the fitness-freak breed. Sure, you could pay the $25 Rec Center fee, and sure, you could exercise at our state-of-the-art, multimillion dollar, yet non-centrally located, facility.

But why do something silly like that when you can feel the burn around campus on the "Park Course?"

Conveniently located on sidewalks throughout campus, these contraptions of weathered wood and slightly rusted metal beg you to do such ridiculous exercises as the "Hop Kick," "Circle Body," and others.

Still, there's something a bit creepy about an abandoned pool. Personally, I think that the university should do something more productive with all that wasted space. Perhaps throw all the 12-year-old skateboard punks who like to raise hell on the bookstore's steps in there and allow them to amuse themselves. Just an idea.

On to the next stop on the tour. Perhaps I'm just an ignorant fool, but I've never been able to figure out what exactly the purpose of that huge rock by Old Main is. In case you've never taken a close look, it has dozens of drilled holes and a mysterious grid painted on. My educated guess would be that it is the result of drunken mechanical engineers playing an elaborate game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

Our marvelous university is the proud owner of many impressive red brick buildings. Even these can be quite bizarre. Take for example the brand, spankin' new AME building. From its front doors which are locked at night - despite the fact that one can just as easily enter the building through its open courtyard - to the crazy, crooked steel awning, it is just plain weird. Down on the po' side of campus, however, there's the Math Annex building on Sixth Street. The Math Annex building holds the proud claim of being the crappiest building on campus, closely edging out the Babcock Building. Basically, it looks like, and may very well be, a crack house.

And that's not all. There are plenty more oddities littered about campus that I don't have the space to address. From those crazy green statues all over the place to the labyrinth-esque bowels of the Student Union to the "tweezers" sculpture at the end of the Mall, it's just a crazy place.

So, my wandering and wondering friends, I hope you have enjoyed the tour, and don't forget to visit the gift shop, the UA Associated Students Bookstore, on your way out.

Ryan Chirnomas is a molecular and cellular biology senior and can be reached at Ryan.Chirnomas@wildcat.arizona.edu. His column, In Hasselhoff We Trust, appears every Friday.