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Spirit of the season
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It's after Halloween, and before Thanksgiving which means "Yes!" it's the Christmas season! The joyful holiday time when people's patience hits rock bottom, their tolerance disappears and they drone on and on about how exciting the Christmas season is, despite not being able to find the latest in an ever rotating line of action figures their little cousin just has, after searching 12 separate malls, spending three hours in the last one's parking-lot alone just trying to find a space after some idiot driving his I-have-no-security-so-I-have-to-prove-something Corvette stole the spot that they were clearly waiting on, but does he care. No. Why should he? Because it's the Christmas season and a time for love and forgiving, and assholes like him are always taking advantage of this. But I won't let it get me down. No. It's the Christmas season, damn it, and I got a lot of love to give, and I'll be god damned if I let one jerk-off ruin my holiday spirit! (I'll simply explain to them that it was my space, and that maybe they were unaware of that, but it is easily reconciled by relinquishing it to me, and if they have a problem they can take it up with my .44. Sorry, I got a little off track. Anyway, I love the Christmas season. But it can get a little stressful. Picking out gifts for your friends, family, in-laws, neighbors, pets, neighbors' pets, in-laws' pets, and God forbid you forget the mail person lest you want to find a sack full of dead kittens stuffed in your mailbox every day for the next week. So to help alleviate the holiday gift buying stress, I have compiled a list of simple steps we all can follow to pick out The Perfect Gift. 1: Never purchase someone you care about a calendar. Calendars say "Hey, I'm clueless and you simply weren't important enough for me to put any time or effort into." Also avoid candles, gift certificates to places like Denny's, money less than $20 and small kitchen appliances such as a toaster. 2: When purchasing that gift for your Special Someone, guys remember, girls like cute things. If it makes you want to puke, your chick will love it. Like Hummel figurines. And girls, remember that your average guy is very insecure, so try and purchase him something that is ludicrously overpowered, or has absolutely no practical purpose. Like a lift kit for his truck. 3: For aunts and uncles, remember the gifts they gave you and all the thought they put into that, and return the favor. That's right, buy them some socks. 4: For the in-laws, I've always found that a simple pig's head left on the doorstep with a note saying "You're next!" conveys that special bond that exists between all of us and our in-laws. 5: There's nothing more touching to a mail carrier than when a thoughtful person leaves them that hard-to-get and ever-so-practical gift of 400 to 500 rounds of Teflon-coated bullets.
And then get them something you always wanted and borrow it from them. 7: Mom and Dad. How can you forget the nurturing and love they have given you? The years of support and thankless service. And then remember that you are in college. Ask them for money. Well, I hope that this list is of some use to you. And I hope your holiday shopping goes well and with as few life-threatening incidents as possible. Remember it's Christmas, it only happens once a year for about two months, and it's a time to celebrate life and joy. Just remember to stay out of my way in the parking lots. Ezekial Buchheit's guest commentary appears every Friday and he can be reached via e-mail at Ezekial.Buchheit @wildcat.arizona.edu.
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6: For your friends, you need to really sit and think about who they are and what they mean to you. The thought we're going for is "You touched my life in so many ways, and here is a token of my eternal gratitude."
