Your guide to 1999

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Ryan Chirnomas

Thus will begin one of the more peculiar years in modern history. The whole year will be a countdown to the new millennium. Never mind the fact that Christ was probably not actually born in the year zero. Never mind the fact that the third millennium will really begin in 2001. It will be, by a public demand of sorts, the only 99-year century of all time.

And we here at "In Hasselhoff we trust" want to get you through it. So we've provided for you a handy guide to the last year of the century.

First, you'll need to start off the year by purchasing some souvenirs to commemorate the moment. The malls are peddling the "last calendars of the century," and the newsstands are already of full of Time Magazine's "Top 100 this-and-that of the millennium."

Maybe they'll even sell pieces of the Times Square light ball. Perhaps if we're really lucky, somebody will sell "I survived the 20th century and all I got was this crappy T-shirt" T-shirts.

Buy now. This is your last chance of the century.

Although it's not even New Year's 1998 yet, it's high time you start planning your New Year's Eve 1999 now. After all, you'll need to be somewhere really cool, such as Times Square or Las Vegas, to tell people about later on. Your grandchildren will think you're a real loser when you tell them that you rang in the millennium by sitting on your ass in a Tucson apartment, watching Dick Clark on TV.

Start planning now.

Next, you'll want to capture all the "last of" moments all year long. Tape the last Super Bowl of the century, celebrate your last birthday of the millennium, maybe even fly to Spain for the last running of the bulls of the millennium.

This kind of history only happens once, don't miss it.

But the real fun rolls around toward the end of 1999. That's when all the loony toons will come out of the woodwork. Cults will no longer be limited to Branch Davidians and X-Files fans. All sorts of weirdos will be running to the hills to prepare for what they think is the end of the world. It is definitely in your best interest to say away from these nut jobs, since they'll most likely end up drinking poisoned Kool-Aid or burn themselves in some mass-suicide.

Of course, we educated folk know damn well that the world won't end in some messianic apocalypse. If anything, it will end as a result of our short-sighted computer programming. It's anybody's guess what will actually happen, but the Year-2000 computer glitch will do anything from starting an unintentional global thermonuclear war to confusing the hell of your VCR timer.

If all this scares you, it's time to start preparing for an alternative. Run to the store and buy up all the canned food and bottled water that you can. Buy a cabin in the wilderness, complete with a bomb shelter underneath, and hide. You can never be too prepared.

But I'm willing to bet that's not necessary. In fact, I'm willing to bet anybody $1,000 that December 31, 1999, won't be the last day of our collective mortal existence. I'll even give them 3-to-1 odds.

Of course, it'll be a bit hard for the winner to collect on that bet if I'm wrong.

The fact is, God won't destroy the earth next year. And the Year-2000 computer glitch, affectionately known as the Y2K problem, won't shut out the lights and launch the missiles. No, life will go on past 2000. You can rest assured that when you wake up with a monster hangover on the first, you will still be greeted by a world filled with love, hate, and Fox's America's Funniest Police Chases specials.

One thing's for sure though. It will be a hell of a wild ride. Make sure to enjoy it. It's your last chance.

Ryan Chirnomas is a molecular and cellular biology senior and can be reached via e-mail at Ryan.Chirnomas@wildcat.arizona.edu. His column, In Hasselhoff we trust, appears every Monday