The art of survival

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Scott Andrew Schulz

With final exams hanging over our heads and the longest week of the past four months taunting each one of us, I thought I would try to assemble a survival guide of sorts to help you tolerate this most difficult of times. It goes without saying to note the Wildcat does not endorse the following advice in any way.

First of all, one of the best ways to get through finals is to completely ignore them. That's right. Just deny they even exist. Periodically walk through the UA Mall area or play Frisbee with a friend, acting as carefree as possible. This is a great way to completely frustrate people who see how much fun you are having while they struggle in agony to compress four months worth of material into their brains. This also makes you feel superior because everyone is extremely envious of you.

Should the previous idea not suit you, another thing to do to pass time before heading home is to watch a lot of television. However, only specific programs validate this survival tip. Melrose Place and The Jerry Springer Show help you realize that your life could be so much worse then it really is. You could have to face Amanda's wrath or realize you accidentally slept with your cousin at the annual family reunion. Watching shows such as these go a long way toward countering the sense of self-pity that is sure to surface during this joyous season.

Another way to endure final exam week is to continuously buy gifts for professors. Back in junior high, Mom always sent me to class with a box of chocolates, a pair of movie passes or a tree ornament to give to each teacher. However, times have certainly changed. College professors expect a whole lot more if "brown-nosing" is part of your game plan to escape the deathly grip of finals. If your wish list has an "A" on it, money simply cannot be an option. Offer to put your professor up at the Hilton Resort for the weekend or, should you find an "A" to be dreadfully distant, you can never go wrong with a cruise package. In any case, this is the time of year for giving and you will find finals week to be much less stressful knowing your professor is enjoying a margarita in the middle of the Caribbean, courtesy of your efforts.

Oh, but that is not all. As each final looms closer, feel free to pay a visit to old Saint Nick himself. Santa Claus is real. In fact, he is in virtually every shopping mall to prove it. You may have to stand in line amidst the noise of 10,000 screaming children, but once you make your way to the throne of wishes, nothing can hold you back. Tell Santa that you have been a very good boy or girl, explaining that the reason you haven't had time to study is because of your extensive involvement in the Peace Corps. Then lay it on him. Just lose it right then and there, begging for the fat old man to have mercy upon you for being so lazy and stupid the previous four months. Even if his elves aren't able to rescue you from your finals, you still get a tasty candy cane.

If you have access to a tape recorder you are in luck. One ingenious way of learning material for your exams is by having someone who has actually been to class record themselves reciting their notes. Then each night turn your stereo up incredibly loud and go to sleep. Although you might not realize it, while sleeping, your mind is unconsciously learning each and every detail taught in class over the course of the semester. This is an extension of an earlier theory, which states that a person can learn while sleeping in class. Use such advice to your advantage next semester.

There are many reasons for trying to avoid the painful realities of finals week and the depression that comes along with knowing how much fun this time of year used to be before you came to college.

Unfortunately, any attempts to evade finals are most likely in vain. No, you do not get to bake holiday cookies along with your classmates or sing carols like you could back in the day, but you do get to go home when all of this madness is done and that certainty alone should somehow make this all worth it.

Scott Andrew Schulz is a communication junior and can be reached via e-mail at Scott.Andrew.Schulz@wildcat.arizona.edu. His column, Millstone, appears every Wednesday.