Conspiracy Theories

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What if I told you that in the mid-'60s the government built a $3 billion (in unadjusted 1960s dollars) ship with a claw the size of a football field, forced Howard Hughes to pretend that HE built the ship for "deep sea mining" and lied to as many people as possible about the project. Why would the government do this, you ask? You see, they found out where the Ruskies lost an armed nuclear sub, then told the Ruskies that they had absolutely no idea where it was, and using this giant robot claw were going to go pick it up, five miles beneath the Pacific.

At this point, I expected Agents Scully and Mulder to appear. But wait, it gets better. You see, as they were picking up the Russian sub, in complete violation of all international treaties, a fully armed nuclear missile fell out of the sub, and headed toward the ocean floor, where it would impact at over 60 mph. If it had gone off, the Russians may have noticed a tremendous nuclear explosion and done something rash, like vaporize Oklahoma. Luckily, the sub broke apart on the way up, and the whole thing turned out to be a big flop, except now the government has a really big ship with a claw in case we ever need to pick a football field up from the bottom of the sea.

I'd like to restate that I saw this on public television, on a show not known for making stuff up (like the rest of the media). What can be learned from this?

Our government is absolutely insane. I used to dismiss the "X-Files" as being way over the top and just plain paranoid. Now, I praise Chris Carter for his restraint. If they were doing that much wackiness in the '60s, just imagine what Reagan had up his sleeve.

It would not surprise me if something like the following were occurring this very moment.

SETTING: Deep underground government facility. "X-Files" is on.

GOV'T MAN: I really like this episode.

ALIEN: Me too. Especially the part where Scully looks so hot.

GOV'T MAN: Wanna get a few brews and take the UFO for a spin over Texas?

ALIEN: Sure.

IMPLANTED BRAIN OF PRESIDENT REAGAN IN ROBOT BODY: Don't forget that we have to release the new mind-control virus by 7 p.m.

ALIEN: I'll tie a string around a tentacle.

I now believe that everything NASA has ever done is a hoax. We've got secret colonies around Alpha Centauri, laser satellites, and implanted microchips. Bill Clinton is obviously a mindless cyborg, drawing attention away from the government's secret underwater cities, which are producing sharks big enough to eat submarines to do away with the whole claw thing altogether.

It makes me deeply afraid that the government also funds the UA. What if our beloved Betty is actually an immortal clone? Or that all the digging on campus is to house secret bioweapons labs? The CatCards tie in here somehow, but I haven't quite figured it out just yet.

Trust no one. Except maybe me, because I can't lie, being a brainwashed slave of the former USSR.

Brad Wallace is a molecular and cellular biology and creative writing senior. He is currently fleeing CIA assassins. If you don't call this column Handful of Dust, he'll send them after you too. He can be reached at Brad.Wallace@wildcat.arizona.edu.