Brush with Cancer

I was frustrated, down on life, and deep in debt. I was sick of heading home after finals only to return to class a short time later to do it over again. It all appeared so meaningless, so boring. I felt okay with being pissed off at the world because it was the world that held me back.

Then, last month, my outlook on life changed dramatically. Indeed, within seconds my anger turned into uncontrollable fear and anxiety. A world that seemed so predictable quickly mutated into one of complete and utter panic. It is hard to put into words the incredible emotion that consumes you when your parents inform you that doctors have found a tumor within your body.

The magnitude of such a discovery is unparalleled. I nearly dropped the phone as the room was set into motion. It was if I could see myself, watching from the corner, and yet there was no comfort. All of a sudden time was conceivable, death was inevitable. I realized I would not live forever.

But, this was only the beginning. For now, I had to schedule a biopsy in order to find whether or not the tumor was malignant, whether I truly had cancer. I had to familiarize myself with terms I would hear over and over again in the week ahead, although the only terms I wanted to hear were "he'll be okay."

However, no one could tell me it would be all right. Mom and Dad couldn't fix this with a hug, nor could I head to bed early and expect everything to be fine in the morning. It was time to grow up and face my mortality.

Doctors told me repeatedly that the chances were with me, that cancer was unlikely. But, when I asked for reassurance, they could not grant me any. As much as I wanted to get my hopes up that things would be okay, I had to keep in mind that the very worst was quite possible.

You find yourself asking why it is you are being punished. What did I do wrong in my life? What can I promise to do better if it all works out?

You also ask yourself what it is you will do if a limit must be placed on your time left. What will I want to do? Where will I want to go? With whom will I want to spend my final days? And, of course, throughout it all, you ask yourself how final the end really is. Even the strongest of believers find themselves trembling at the thought of death. Quite simply, it cannot be comprehended.

The biopsy was painful to say the least. A long needle was placed beneath my skin and rubbed up and down, left and right, in order to scrape away a sample of the tumor. It felt as if a metal straw was being jammed into my chest and slowly dragged in a manner that would produce the greatest amount of pain. However, after three separate attempts, the doctor was finally content with the samples. Now, it was time to wait again.

Three days later, I called the doctor, awaiting the results of the biopsy. I wanted the entire situation to be over with so badly. The moment of truth was upon me. The doctor came to the phone and gave me the news; the tumor was officially benign and not a threat.

You would think I would have been ecstatic. Granted, I was extremely relieved to hear that life would go on and I could continue to pursue my goals. But, the experience had humbled and taught me so much.

I realized how quickly life can be taken away, how fragile it truly is. There is little to be gained by looking at life through the eyes of a pessimist. Our time as students will eventually come to a close and we will have the opportunity to conquer the world however we see fit. Do not let the present pass you by as you push toward the future, for the future will eventually become the present, and, as you will soon discover, life is simply much too short not to appreciate.

Scott Andrew Schulz is a communication junior. He can be reached at Scott.Andrew.Schulz@wildcat.arizona.edu.