COUNTING MAN

by tony carnevale

Prominence of Monday's Arizona Daily Wildcat article about Wilbur Wildcat's true identity, on a scale of 1 to 10: 10

Amount of shock among Athletic Department officials that this closely-guarded secret came to light, on a scale of 1 to 10: 10

Number of third-world nations that will surely perish in a blinding whirlwind of chaos when they hear that Wilbur Wildcat is really elementary education junior Robert Kay: 17

Number of points lost by the Dow Jones Industrial Average as a result of Kay's "coming out": 841

Number of days before we can expect to learn Tara Taylor's true identity: Undetermined