Meet Bobo

By Tony Carnevale Catalyst

Send comments to: catalyst@wildcat.arizona.edu

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat

Bobo hungry. Yummy yummy banana crunchy. Bobo huggy banana. Bobo bobo bobo. Huggy crunchy banana. Bobo yummy crunchy. Banana bobo crunchy. Crunchy crunchy bobo.

Finally! I thought the human would never leave. Goddamn pink hairless freak. He thought I didn't understand a word he was saying. He thought I'd just type crap like "Banana bobo crunchy" for eight hours. Nice freakin' try. The reason humans give us primates those goddamn "Speak & Spell" push-the-picture gizmos is because they're afraid that if they gave us keyboards, we'd take over the stock market. Well this is it, buddy. You made the mistake of putting me in front of a computer, your race is gonna pay the price for centuries of discrimination. This is my manifesto, and the manifesto of chimpanzees across the world. Not just chimpanzees, either, but all my apish brethren.

Okay, let's get started. There's only one "g" in "orangutan," and it's between the "n" and the "u." Why do you say "orangutang?" Does it make you humans feel good to pronounce "orangutan" as if they were half-monkey, half-fake juice product? Yeah? Well it'll make me feel real good when me and my red-anused cousins are feeding on your gently-pulsing brains.

And what's with this "Planet of the Apes" shit? Charlton Heston mincing about, all distressed 'cause his beloved Statue of Liberty is buried up to its neck. Lemme tell you something. When the revolution comes, we ain't gonna bury the statue. We're gonna stick it up your flabby ass. You're not gonna be singin' your national anthem when Lady Liberty's your proctologist, I'll tell you that.

It's impossible for me to mention movies without mentioning our saddest casualty, whom you know as "Cheetah." Rick was so happy when he called home saying he'd got the part in "Tarzan." Too bad you humans hadn't mentioned he wasn't playing the title character, but a subservient, dimwitted racial stereotype. To make matters worse, you had to name him after another species. A cheetah isn't a monkey, it's a cat. Do you realize the magnitude of the identity crisis you caused Rick? How about the torment of the families of the five monkeys he brutally murdered when he came home one weekend wearing a leopard-print bikini? Who am I kidding? I know you don't care.

Ever stop to think about how closely related you humans are to us monkeys? Bet it blew your mind. Well, check this out - some of us are more closely related to you than others. There's been a little breeding going on. Some of us apes look an awful lot like you smooth-skinned mutants. Some of us - not many, but some - are fully accepted by your society. Let's just put it this way: the music of Lou Reed may sound a little more subversive next time you listen. John Belushi didn't O.D. - at least, not of his own accord. We discovered his plans to defect to your side, and were forced to "terminate" him. Hanson almost blew our cover when they snuck proboscis-monkey dialect into the chorus of "MMMBop." But we had to spare them because they were accomplishing their primary directive - to drive you nearly insane - so well.

We've taken so much care to keep the wraps on our plans for your destruction, and now I'm giving it all away. Seems stupid, right? Seems suicidal. But I'm free to do this because I've just received notification from our leader, Gov. Jesse Ventura, that A-Day is nigh. (The "A" stands for "Ape-ocalypse.") Tonight, my friends, we abandon all subtlety. Tonight we plunder your stores, we burn your homes, we eat your children. And we've saved the most painful and horrific manner of destruction for you. There's no hope, smooth ones, so don't bother hiding. We know who you are and we know what condiments you go best with. Oh, damn - I hear a door opening.

Bobo bobo bobo. Crunchy huggy banana. Huggy bobo.