the tabloid testament

LONDON - It's got illicit sex, violence, scandals, miracles and martyrs - all the ingredients that make for memorable Page 1 headlines in the irreverent British tabloids.

It's the Holy Bible, coming to a newsstand near you.

Actually, it's ''The Scroll,'' a new book that shows how today's tabloid press might have covered the events of the Good Book - minus, of course, the topless model on page 3.

''Thank God for Sunday, God invents the weekend,'' blares a headline in Genesis. ''Pharaoh issues tough new population policy'' is the take on the Egyptian edict that all baby boys be killed.

And this, when Moses came down from the mountain: ''Is that my donkey you're coveting?: Adultery out as Moses gets Commandments.''

The resurrection of Christ is reported thusly: ''You can't keep a good man down - More appearances of Jesus reported.''

Perhaps surprisingly, the Church of England said it doesn't have a problem with author Nick Page's tampering with the sacred text.

''It's always good to have different approaches to propagating the Bible because it gives people new opportunities to study the message,'' church spokesman Steve Jenkins said.

Page described himself as a Christian looking for a way to retell Bible stories ''so people might actually read them.''

His inspiration for the 155-page book, published only in Britain by HarperCollins, was The Sun, a sensational and fearless tabloid and the top-selling national newspaper.

Page, former communications director of the Christian charity Oasis, said he knew some people would be offended by the flippant accounts of sacred events, such as the crucifixion and resurrection.

Fortunately, he said, those people are in the minority.

''Most people can see what I'm doing and are pleased with any attempt to make the Bible more accessible,'' he said.