Life without a black box

By Joseph Altman Jr. Catalyst

Send comments to: catalyst@wildcat.arizona.edu

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Doing it their way: In the wee hours of late night programming, old reruns of "Laverne and Shirley" on Nickelodean may be your only option.

It's 2 a.m. I'm flipping through the 48-channel assortment that costs $33.32 a month yet offers nothing I am even remotely interested in watching.

OK. I've cycled through my choices three times now, and I'm still flipping. I think I'm about to lose my marbles.

If I had meant that literally, I would have stopped on Channel 11, where the local Fox affiliate stopped broadcasting hours ago and some auction show is now accepting telephone bids for - yes - marbles.

There they are - orange, blue and yellow - arranged neatly on a turntable that's spinning, and spinning, and spinning, and spinning ... Now I am going crazy.

"I can't believe someone hasn't snatched up these marbles," the host says, truly baffled, in his best redneck voice. He's waiting for someone to call the toll-free number with an opening bid of $30 for the set of 10 swirled spheres.

A phone rings in the background, and shortly after, marbles spill to the ground. Someone must have been awoken by the lone caller.

Before I become spellbound, I reach for the remote and navigate my way through infomercials and more infomercials. Who on Earth would buy some of this stuff, and are any of them awake at this time of night to order it? I wonder if corporate America can control my mind through the TV like I saw on "The X-Files" last week.

Of course, you can't beat the convenience of infomercial shopping. Without leaving your favorite easy chair, you can buy a device that lets you cut and fry an entire onion in three easy steps, a vacuum sealer that will let you save the leftovers and the exercise machine you'll need to work off the resulting calories. Who even needs to leave home anymore?

But in fairness to all those cable channels that do maintain original programming overnight, there are additional choices.

I could watch the news on four different channels. MTV is showing reruns of "Road Rules." Nickelodeon has "Laverne and Shirley." ESPN and ESPN2 are replaying the weekend's college football games. Elvis is singing in a ski-lift on TBS. And an anchor on The Weather Channel is telling me the next Atlantic tropical storm will be named "Mitch."

Boy, what I would give for a black box right about now. "The Spicier Side of Rebecca Lord" is on and that just might get my blood flowing.

As my eyelids succumb to gravity, I find my way back to auction central. Now a set of 40 "vintage clay marbles" is going for $39. The tight shot shows what looks like a pile of psychedelic rabbit turds atop the turntable.

The spinning marbles are hypnotizing. I'm getting sleepy. I don't know if it's because the hour is so late or this show is so lame.

If I slip into a coma, you'll know the answer.