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The new kids

Arizona Summer Wildcat

Approximately one quarter of the undergraduate student body reading this paper is composed of first-day college students. Actually, it's probably closer to half - after all, vast quantities of freshmen flee the University of Arizona within their first month. As a seasoned senior, I have been hired by the school's Committee on Retaining More Freshmen (CRMF). One of my duties is to provide you first-years with helpful, fun-filled installments on how to enjoy your time here more fully. That's what this column is for. Think of me as your helpful servant - a sort of campus-wide RA, ready to cast the proverbial blind eye upon your proverbial week-long beer-funneling binges.

Let's get down to business. A lot of people will pretend to have an intimate knowledge of the workings of the campus. "Let me tell you about the U of A," they'll say, and then proceed to bellyache and whine about all kinds of imagined complaints that indicate little except their own failure to understand what we're really about. This school is like a family, and Junior needs to learn Daddy's rules before any growing can happen. So here are some helpful tips from someone whose advice really counts. Believe me, the university wouldn't pay me to write this if I didn't know what I was talking about.

Join a frat

Nothing's more fun than making new friends, and nothing will get you more friends for your money than a fraternity. If that wasn't enough, being in a frat will alleviate the psychological stress that comes from having to think for yourself in any given social situation. Whatever you're uncertain about, be it which cheerleader you should feel up or which possibly-lethal beverage you should imbibe, the answer will be simple: "Do what everyone else is doing!" The peace of mind that comes from being one of many will allow you to focus more energy on what you're really here to do: perpetuating your parents' little fairy-tale that you're getting a business degree. Oh, and if you're a girl, you should join a sorority.

Appreciate construction

The university has found it within its generous heart to bestow upon you, its unworthy student body, a new Student Union and mysterious underground compound. Believe me, these things are going to be cool. If you complain about the facts that the campus is lined with more barbed-wire fences than Checkpoint Charlie and that, come October, dirt-hauling dump trucks will bellow past the Main Library every thirty seconds, you're the kind of ungrateful brat whom the First Amendment probably wasn't intended to protect. When the construction is completed (estimated date: May 2040), people that haven't been born yet are going to experience the deep, satisfying bliss that comes from having a Student Union with functional plumbing. So just be happy that we're not renovating your face, if you know what I mean.

Love ASUA

There are two kinds of people here: those who are going on to big and important jobs in Washington or somewhere, and you. There are a lot more of you than there are important people, and sometimes it's hard for future employers to know which is which. That's why we have ASUA. It's a fun little system which allows important people to show just how important they are by putting the words "ASUA Senator" on their resumes - or, in certain really important cases, "ASUA President." You don't need to vote in ASUA elections; in fact, it's easier for us if you don't! Just sit back, don't make trouble, and be happy that the important people are receiving the excuses they need to pretend that they had valuable experience in college.

Bear down!

The modern university was founded in 1891 by James Naismith, creator of basketball. Sports are the reason this school exists. Those of you who are here to "take classes" are lucky to have the coattails of football to ride upon. After all, the money this school brings in for a single touchdown can pay two or three professors' annual salaries. And until next semester, when we plan to get rid of professors entirely and become a TA-only campus, that money's important.

I hope I've helped you get a little bit closer to understanding what our university's all about. The CRMF and I want you to stay here, and you need to know the score before you can fully appreciate the game. Now go to class. You've got a tough six years ahead!