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'Universal Soldier' is universally bad

Let's get one thing absolutely straight: "Universal Soldier: The Return" is a bad, bad movie. It is so bad that the only thing we can do is try and learn from it so that we may avoid such travesties in the future.

First, we learn that this film does not represent the whole quiet, contemplative genre. The movie opens with some beautiful scenery of a calm bayou, with beautiful trees and still waters. It's almost 15 whole seconds before the shooting, the jet skis and the deafening soundtrack begin.

Next, we learn that some people are actually worse actors than Jean-Claude Van Damme. In fact, he turns out to be the best actor in the movie. How is this possible? Most of the cast is comprised of people with no acting experience, like Kiana Tom, of "Kiana's Flex Appeal." Tom plays Maggie, Van Damme's wooden partner. Though she can't act, she does teach us that as the only good reason to watch ESPN2 she can command a "no nudity" clause.

The lessons on bad acting don't stop there. Deranged casting director Gabrielle Berberich turned to the World Championship Wrestling organization to find Bill Goldberg to play Romeo. He's a far cry from the Montague variety as the biggest and meanest of the second generation Universal Soldiers. He doesn't really do very much, but he does get shot, set on fire and run over.

Most of the action takes place in a big, concrete building in central Texas, the home of the Universal Soldier program. The idea behind the program is to take dead soldiers and turn them into fast, strong, bulletproof soldiers, a plot almost as intelligent as the aforementioned actors.

The hero, Luc Deveraux, (Van Damme) used to be one of these Universal Soldiers, meaning that he was, at one point, dead. But he got better. Apparently.

Now, there's a small army of Universal Soldiers, and Deveraux is some kind of programmer or administrator with the new program, though it's difficult to imagine him in any job that doesn't involve a great deal of kicking.

All of these Universal Soldiers (UniSols, as they are called. Relish that. It's the most clever thing in the movie) are controlled by a sentient computer named S.E.T.H., voiced by wannabe action star Michael Jai White. Haven't these people ever seen 2001? A few rules for dealing with sentient computers.

Rule one: Never say, in front of the computer, that you are going to shut it down. Sentient computers don't want to be shut down. Rule two: Never say that you are going to shut it down anywhere that the computer can see you. Sentient computers can read lips (thus proving that the film makers did see enough of 2001 to rip it off). Third: Never let the sentient computer have complete control of the classified facility building that houses the chemical and biological weapons.

Once S.E.T.H. rebels, the army is called in. However, they decide that they can't just destroy the building, as the chemical and biological weapons stored inside would then send a poison gas cloud all over central Texas. Why this is a problem, I can't say.

As S.E.T.H. controls the small army of Universal Soldiers, the idea is that once you destroy him, all of the soldiers will stop functioning. This, however, is promptly forgotten once S.E.T.H. is actually destroyed. Instead, the Universal Soldiers come under the control of Romeo. There's a fine tactical decision. Place your soldiers under the command of a professional wrestler.

After the obligatory fight scene in a strip club, Van Damme fights Jai White and manages to escape just before the building they are in explodes, which teaches us the most important lesson: some things never change.