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Get out the balloons and crepe paper

Monday night, the university was treated to the most politically-charged seventh grade dance

in the long history of seventh grade dances.

At 10:11 p.m., John McCain began to speak. Behind him, the stage was full of supporters, running the gamut of Arizona politicians who wanted to piss off Gov. Jane Hull. His buildup was tremendous.

Long before McCain took the stage, a speaker promised that the senator would bring home the hardware on Super Tuesday.

Jeff Grosscost, speaker of the house in the Arizona Legislature, told the crowd that people from Arizona knew what to do with candidates who are "all hat and no horse."

Representative John Shadegg invoked the specter of right wing radical icon Barry Goldwater. Strangely, he followed up by asking for the conservative Democrat cross-over vote. He then explained to the crowd why McCain was more of a conservative than his opponent George W. Bush.

Throughout, the set-up was something like a seventh grade dance. Lots of lights, loud music and no one dancing. Not that we were really hoping for dancing. Though I hear that the GOP knows how to get down.

It was obvious that all of the songs were from the senator's personal collection - hits like "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" But without the "white boy" part. Apparently, they didn't want to offend Alan Keyes. Not that there's any reason that it should offend Keyes, but the third wheel in the Republican chariot race doesn't need a good reason to get upset and start shouting incoherently about slavery.

If Keyes was going to get upset, it would be over the fact that McCain referred to the nomination process as a two-man race. He mentioned knocked-out contestants Dan Quayle, Gary Bauer and Elizabeth Dole, but forgot Alan Keyes. That has to get on someone's nerves. Of course, he forgot to mention Orrin Hatch as well, but everyone forgets to mention Orrin Hatch. Orrin Hatch sometimes forgets to mention Orrin Hatch.

If the music played was any guide, John McCain likes Offspring. John McCain likes Seal. Actually, people who know him admit that McCain actually likes 50s pop. Stuff like the Big Bopper and the Angels. The music played was more in the vein of the mosh-pitting, Metallica-loving Keyes.

Everything was in place. Our esteemed President Peter Likins was operating as chaperone. ASUA President Cisco Aguilar was the head of the decorating committee, telling everyone to get into the spirit.

Instead of signs announcing that the eighth grade rocked, handpainted signs proclaimed "McCain 2000" and "Elect my dad." Hopefully, this was written by one of McCain's daughters. If not, McCain might have some, ahem, issues coming up on CNN this week. Another sign read "GOP for McCain." Or maybe it was "GOD for McCain." It was a bit difficult to tell on some of the signs and more difficult to tell if the writers of the sign would think that there was any difference.

Finally, McCain arrived on the stage. He was greeted by Aguilar and presented with a red Arizona sweatshirt. In a great show of informality, McCain removed his jacket and put on the sweatshirt, making him appear as just another old guy in a red sweatshirt taking up the good seats at home basketball games.

Disappointingly, the speech was chock-full with all of the soundbites - that so please the national news services and are so ingrained on the national consciousness after the endless hours of straight talk express time - that any of the young Republicans could have given the speech. Really. Actually, most of the crowd was so far away that they wouldn't have been able to tell if it was Young Republican Seth Frantzman talking.

McCain's speech may have been short, but it was filled with over-reaching promises, promises sounding too much like the politicians whom McCain claims to oppose.

He promised to continue in the tradition of Republicans like Lincoln, Roosevelt and Reagan.

He promised the greatest period of prosperity in American history. Of course, we happen to be in the middle of the greatest period of prosperity in American history, so I guess McCain was promising a continuance of the Reagan-Bush-Clinton period of prosperity. Not that he would ever claim that he wanted to continue any element of Clinton's term.

McCain finished his speech at 10:20. He spoke for nine minutes, then exited amid autograph seekers and boom mikes. Like every seventh grade dance, everyone wanted to get in with the popular kid. The rest of us, however, just left.