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All science questions answered

By PHIL VILLARREAL

My alter-ego is Dr. Scientician - a caped avenger and scientific wizard capable of answering all scientific questions with the greatest of ease and highest measure of condescension.

All kinds of people approach me as Dr. Scientician with their scientific questions, and here's a sampling of some recent questions and answers.

Dr. Scientician, is a bird a bird because it can fly?

You nincompoop. In the hard board novel, "What Makes a Bird a Bird?" which you are clearly uneducated enough to have read yourself, it is formally explained that a bird is not a bird just because it can fly, nor simply because it has a beak, nor furthermore simply because it has wings.

To quote the author, "What makes a bird a bird is feathers. Because no other animal has feathers."

Dr. Scientician, I've heard that dolphins can band together and kill sharks when necessary. Is this true, and if so, how many dolphins does it take?

Of course, it's true, you ignoramus. And as everyone knows, it takes seven dolphins to kill a shark - no more, no less. Furthermore, the scientific classification for dolphins is dolphinidae, and the shark is a selachian fish, which you obviously didn't know before I told you.

Dr. Scientician, are you really a doctor?

You dolt. How dare you question my scientific credentials. While it is indeed true that I have yet to attain a doctorate degree - or a master's or bachelor's degree for that matter - that is inconsequential. Was Dr. J a doctor? What about Dr. Seuss? I think not.

Besides, I watched "Mr. Wizard" frequently when I was a juvenile.

Dr. Scientician, does marijuana have any valid medical uses?

There is no doubt that marijuana has medical applications, you dumb-head. It can be used to soothe arthritic pain and ease glaucoma. It has also been proven as a cure for the summer-time blues - a direct contradiction to the poplar rock 'n' roll song that goes, "there ain't no cure for the summer-time blues."

Dr. Scientician, what's your favorite periodic element?

As anyone with a half-brain who is familiar with my work should be able postulate, nitrogen (symbol: N) is my favorite periodic element because it is so similar to me.

Consider:

- Nitrogen is explosive in liquid form, and as a gas, takes up 78 percent of the atmosphere.

- Meanwhile, I am explosive with scientific knowledge and I use 78 percent more of my brain than the average homosapiens.

Dr. Scientician, is cloning livestock ethical?

I should slap you for being so stupid, and you should feel lucky that I'm dignifying your insipid inquiry with a response. Ethics have nothing to do with the world of science.

If scientists let ethical concerns jumble up their minds while they were attempting to invent things, there would be no nuclear bombs, biological weapons, or Pop Tarts.

Besides, we need more goats and sheep. Scientific research data reports that the world's supply of goats and sheep is running low. So, we, scientists, must clone them as quickly as possible to replenish the population.

Dr. Scientician, who would win a fight between a scorpion and a tarantula?

Dimwit! A scorpion, of course, would win in a fifth-round knockout.