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"Cheer up," people say, "you'll find someone someday."

The precursor to this statement is always me mentioning that it is extremely improbable that I, or anyone for that matter, will find "true love."

"Oh, that's not true," they respond, "just look at me and (significant other)."

That's just it. They are extremely happy with the person they are with, so they assume, incorrectly, that other people will find someone and be happy with them.

This ignores some basic facts. First of all, this idea of someone finding "love" isn't as great as the poets say it is. Otherwise, why would there be a difference between "love" and "true love?" "Love" can't really be love if there's a "true love" out there, right? "Love" should be correctly labeled "false love."

However, nobody wants to go around calling love "false love." Especially not the chocolate, diamond and crotchless underwear industries that make so much money off of Valentine's Day.

Furthermore, people don't like saying "false love" because people want to believe the lie. People want to think that even though their significant other has about as much in common with them as a box of corn flakes has to a glowing plutonium rod, there's "love" between them.

Some think that even though their partner drinks a quart of whiskey a day and beats them with a sack of doorknobs when Tiger Woods fails to birdie, they still "love" them.

Some people just give up. They stop looking for a meaningful relationship. These people don't want to be lonely anymore, so they find someone who is reasonably attractive with good manners, decent hygiene and has also given up. This usually leads to a marriage in which they read a lot of porn/romance novels and do a lot of gardening.

Now, to address this "true love" thing - I don't know who started this cruel charade, but I bet it was someone who wore a lot of leather and liked to stomp on kittens. Now, I'm not saying that it doesn't exist, I'm just saying it's more unlikely than people care to admit.

First of all, this concept of "true love" needs closer examination. From what I understand, it is supposed to be this relationship between two people that makes for a good movie script.

When people are in a "true love" relationship, the people have everything in common, are attractive, kind to each other, devoted and can't stand a minute away from the other - lest they die while they were out checking the mail or something.

One has to take into account that these two people have to meet. Since these two have similar backgrounds, naturally, they would come from the same town.

Unless one lives in Vail, towns are big and full of people. Not only are they big, but they're dangerous - a person's "true love" could be living right across the street from them. One day, that person steps out of his or her house and goes to check the mail, when wham! Hit by a runaway hat truck. It's all over but the blood and buckram cleanup.

Now, say the people beat the odds and meet, and enter this wonderful relationship that transcends the magnificent and sublime. Hey, now that they're together, that doesn't mean they are safe. What about cancer? Nothing like a good dose of malignant, rapidly-spreading cancer to ruin a good relationship. Then, there's that hat truck again - no reason why it can't wipe out a happy couple on a sunny day. Further, there's that guy from next door who bludgeons the happy couple to death because their loud laughing and lovemaking got in the way of his Tiger Woods watching.

All right, so maybe none of the above will happen and two people get together and experience "true love." If you're one of those people, I say, enjoy your incredibly good fortune. You are beyond lucky and deserve to have your picture printed in Reader's Digest, next to your amazing story.

Personally, I'm not going to count on true love finding me - that would be like counting on winning a million dollars on Lotto. Sure, some people will say I'm bitter and cynical but it is the view I choose to make. If you disagree, that's fine - just don't tell me to "cheer up."