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Online Special: Staff Shots

John Rocker just gets worse

Yesterday, John Rocker returned to baseball. After being heckled by 55,000 fans in New York for his offensive - not to mention stupid - comments regarding minorities, he compounded his error by referring to one of his Atlanta teammates as a "fat monkey."

He then went on TV to explain that he was really very sorry for everything he had said, and that he hadn't really meant it that way, and that people shouldn't be offended, but if they were, he was sorry.

Today, in his return to spring training, he continued with his absurd line. He continued to apologize for his comments but continued to tell his detractors that he hadn't really done anything wrong, and this is just stupid. If he wants to put this behind him, he should just admit that he was wrong and move on. But instead, like too many in American culture, he refers to himself as the victim. But of whom could he possibly be a victim? In the first place, the media; he told them to stop asking "ridiculous questions." As if they were the ridiculous ones.

Since he can't blame his problem entirely on the media, he has been forced to find a different target. Not himself, certainly, but his youth: "I just turned 25 a couple of months ago," he said. "So I guess people are expecting me to be mature way beyond my years just because of the position I'm in." Apparently, he believes that bigotry is OK as long as young people are doing it - yet another line to tack on to his already considerable list of "stupid comments."

Pat Buchanan stakes his claim

With George "What" Bush and John "Killer" McCain fighting over the mantle of "reformer" in the heated Republican race, Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan has staked his claim. Of course, he has one thing going for him: it's a bit difficult to disassociate "reformer" from Reform Party. However, this assumes that there still is a Reform Party since Minnesota Governor Jesse "the Schizophrenic" Ventura put a smackdown on the whole party during its convention last month.

Scary as it is, with John McCain faltering in the only mildly exciting race this year, Buchanan might have a chance of attracting voters put to sleep by the debates between Bush and Al "Decaf" Gore. Even if things get strange, they won't be getting interesting anytime soon, and that's too bad. How can we make the election fun: less reformers, more transformers. Optimus Prime 2000!

Italian principal bans cell phones

The principal of an elementary school in Italy has banned cell phones from the halls of his school. An elementary school. With kids. Presumably under the age of 11. Who could they possibly be calling? The principal described children ducking under their desks to make calls. Again, who could they be calling? Normal people don't use telephones until they hit junior high, at least.

Outside of that particular mystery, the principal has the right idea - and the UA would do well to follow suit. Of course, we would also do well to follow a more stringent procedure for those who carry cell phones into class - stoning seems about right.

Required gun locks

In light of the problems with children shooting each other, the debate has again arisen in Congress over the necessity of trigger locks. Once a trigger lock has been applied to a weapon, no one can use it unless they know the combination. Of course, the NRA and other gun control groups always get upset at making these things mandatory. As far as they are concerned, the gun safety classes they teach are more than enough for anyone. As if they're helping the six-year-olds among us.

The best case scenario would be to get rid of the guns, but with that pesky constitution in the way, things get iffy. So, if we can't get rid of the guns, we should regulate the ammunition until Jethro can't get the shot for his varmint-hunting expedition. And that would be a wonderful thing.