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Online Special: Digital Something

Editor's Note: Shaun Clayton has been under a lot of stress lately with classes, money problems and repeated PEZ abuse. Do not believe anything he has written here. You have been warned.

There is a new entry to the world of American currency - the Golden Dollar. This coin, newly released by the United States Mint, is golden in color, has a smooth edge, and has a portrait of Sacagawea on it. This coin will succeed because, unlike the other dollar coins, it doesn't have a shadow conspiracy behind it.

It all started with the first dollar coin, the Pickle. It was named the Pickle because it was made out of pickles, cut into wafers, and stamped with a "T" for "Tasty." Hugenfuss Stumpy first minted it in 1791 to, as he put it, "Give this United States a pickled cucurbitaceae for prosperity!"

In reality, Stumpy was attempting to take over the United States. With his dual monopoly on pickles and currency, all would have to bow to his demands or face a lack of green and garnish. He almost succeeded, except Alexander Hamilton discovered Stumpy's bold plan. Hamilton quickly got an elite group of Freemasons together, known as the F-Team, who quickly disposed of Stumpy using an ox cart modified into a cannon and glib catch-phrases like "I have pity for the foolish man."

Hamilton, and the rest of the Freemasons, were then free to go on to found the United States Mint, waiting for the right time to utilize the immense power of the mint for their own ends. This chance came in 1862 during the height of the Civil War.

At the time, things were going badly for the North. The North had a vast industrial base, but this was confounded by the South's military genius, General Lee and the Merrimack, a 500-foot-tall super robot that shot lightning out of its eyes.

Since the South was run by the Florida Swamp Witches, the mortal enemy of the Freemasons, the Merrimack had to be stopped. The Freemasons used the mint to build the Monitor, a dollar coin the size of Des Moines, mounted on an even larger slingshot.

The idea was to take the Merrimack out with the coin, but upon firing the Monitor, the North had failed to take air friction into account, and the Monitor fell short of its target, annihilating Delaware. Fortunately, though, the loss of Delaware brought the morale of the North up to unprecedented levels. The Northern army quickly destroyed the Merrimack, General Lee, and the entire Southern nation with smiles and a lot of skipping.

Thus, the rule of the Freemasons ruled the United States from the shadows until 1969, when Nixon and his gang of Swiss Gnomes overthrew the Freemasons.

In 1971, under the rule of Gnomes, the Eisenhower dollar coin was minted with the intent to counteract the rise of feminism by showing women that old, balding white men will always rule over them.

This failed miserably. In 1973, Gloria Steinem and a gang of elite female commandos, known as "Gloria's Angels," ambushed Nixon in the nearby Watergate Hotel and gunned him down. From the chaos that followed, it was easy for the Gloria and her Uber-Feminists to sweep in and take control of the government.

Then, they minted the Susan B. Anthony dollar.

The nation collapsed.

In its wake, Jimmy Carter, leader of the Peanut Farmers took over.

The nation collapsed yet again.

Things didn't stabilize until the mid-1990s, when two brave FBI agents, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully finally exposed all the evil conspiracies that have ruled our country for years and went on to higher ratings.

So, now, in the dawning of a new millennium, we have the first dollar coin unmarred by the stench of shadow conspiracies. Long may it - wait! On the coin, it reads "In God We Trust!"

Great, now I have to spend my spring break covered in broccoli inside a giant cardboard tube positioned in the middle of the North Magnetic Pole. Damn.