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Good morning, President Gore

Yesterday was a sad day for the Republican Party. In an absolutely unsurprising move, John "Killer" McCain "suspended" his run for the presidential nomination. He dropped out. He let the bad guys win. And now, nothing stands between Al "Decaf" Gore and the big chair on Pennsylvania Avenue.

George "Huh" Bush campaigned against McCain on the grounds that he was attracting too many Democrats and independents. Wise up, Shrub. There are more Democrats than Republicans in this country. A lot more. Most of them don't vote, but enough do that, in a straight, Republican vs. Democrat election, in which all of the Democrats vote Democratic and all of the Republicans vote Republican, the Republicans lose, 47.5 percent to 52.5 percent.

In short, the only way the Republicans can possibly win in November is to attract enough wavering Democrats to their side to tip the scales. McCain showed that he could do just that, almost guaranteeing a win against the lame V.P. Bush, having pushed himself well to the right in order to beat McCain, has no chance of attracting the wavering Democrats. They won't like it much, but they'll vote for Gore. And Gore will win. And that is just too bad.

Elian who?

Yesterday, the relatives of Elian Gonzalez finally got their day in court to make the case as to why the six-year-old tug-of-war rope should be left where he is. And no one cares. This is exactly why he should be left here in the U.S. Back in Cuba, Fidel would drag him out of the woodwork every time he needed someone to show how badly America sucks. He'd never have a normal life. Here in the States, six months after an issue hits, we couldn't care less. He won't have a completely normal life, but, if he's lucky, he'll do better than fellow child-star Gary Coleman, and maybe as good as Rick Schroeder. Who knows? Maybe "NYPD Blue" will still be running in 2020.

Gotta love those Quebecers

Wednesday, police raided a hair salon in the Quebec city of Laval, after complaints that the salon was actually a sex shop that just happened to do haircuts on the side. No information on exactly what kind of hair was cut was available at presstime.

Apparently, clients could pay their hairdressers extra for stripteases. Police commented that while erotic hair salons are perfectly legal, they believe that patrons could actually take the next step and pay the hairdressers for sex. Presumably, the chairs had some non-standard adjustments.

All of this should just remind us that while Canadians are our wonderful neighbors to the north, those guys in Quebec are just strange. After all, if there's one thing more pathetic than a Frenchman, it's a wannabe Frenchman.

Just smite them, already

As of yesterday, nine NBC stations had refused to air the new animated sitcom, "God, the Devil and Bob." For some reason, they had concerns over the subject matter. The show concerns God and Satan using one man to determine if Earth is actually worth saving. While that may still be up in the air, if these people are really concerned about God being offended, they should watch the skies. If the big guy gets real upset, he can just smite NBC. As long as he hits the cast of "Stark, Raving, Mad," too, I don't think anyone will complain.