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Choose your own misadventure

By Phil Villarreal
Arizona Daily Wildcat,
March 27, 2000
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Remember those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books from grade school? They made reading exciting for all of us when we were young.

But man, did those screw us up. Their imbecilic endings and confusing life lessons twisted our way of thought. But what else could have better prepared us for life here at the University of Arizona?

Now, you have a chance to choose your own adventure once again. You begin your journey as Melvin, an 18-year-old freshman. Whether you die on a drinking binge or end up graduating depends on the choices you make.

CHAPTER ONE: Having just enrolled, you move into a campus dorm. On the day before classes begin, your roommate asks if you want to go to a party with him. If you go to the party, go to chapter two. If you stay home, go to chapter four.

CHAPTER TWO: You get wasted and lose your virginity at the party - to some girl (it was a girl, wasn't it?) whose name you will never know. The next day, you drive your drunken roommate's truck and hit a pedestrian who tries to jaywalk across Park Avenue. You drive on because you're so drunk yourself that you think you hit an orange kangaroo. Oh, well. Didn't you have class? If you go to class, go to chapter three. If you go pass out in your dorm room, go to chapter five.

CHAPTER THREE: You get to class 15 minutes late and very groggy, but at least you made it to class, right? Wrong. Your professor yells at you in front of everybody. This causes you to slip into depression. As the days go on, your life seems more and more worthless, and you commit suicide by eating too much Cheez Wiz. The end.

CHAPTER FOUR: On the way to Physics 220 on the first day of school, you're well-rested and perky. You are so excited that you forget to look both ways before you cross Park Avenue, get hit by a truck and die. The end.

CHAPTER FIVE: You wake up in a pool of your own fluids, clean yourself off in a community shower and go to the rest of your classes the first week of school. Then, you realize fraternity rush is next week. You've heard that membership in a greek organization can help you get into medical school. If you sign up for rush, go to chapter six. If you decide not to sign up for rush, go to chapter seven.

CHAPTER SIX: You go through rush without a problem, then accept a bid from your favorite fraternity. On initiation day, you are forced to have sex with several goats. For some reason, you now like country music more than ever. Anyway, you forget about the incident and thrive in the classroom and in your fraternity, becoming its president as a senior. But you get expelled two months before graduation day because you are caught cheating on a test. You move to Montana and buy your own goat farm. The end.

CHAPTER SEVEN: You decide to spend your free time working. You take on a schedule that has you working 25 hours each week and taking 15 units. You need something to take the edge off. Two solutions - working out and booze - come to mind. If you decide to work out, go to chapter eight. If you decide to go to the bottle, go to chapter ten.

CHAPTER EIGHT: On an early morning jog, you are swarmed by a roving group of Students Against Sweatshops who see that you are wearing Nikes, get beaten up, trampled and end up at the University Medical Center emergency room. After five hours of waiting, you give up and die. The end.

CHAPTER NINE: You graduate, and your family showers you with gifts. But wait, you couldn't have gotten here without cheating on the rules of this story, because no previous chapters lead to this one. How could you! Go spank yourself.

CHAPTER TEN: Alcoholism takes over. You become a binge drinker, your grades fall into the gutter and you transfer to Pima for your sophomore year. Go back to chapter one.


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