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Suggestions for April Fool's

April Fool's Day - that time of merriment and mirth, where friends and loved ones entertain wacky and delightful pranks. This year should be no exception.

However, most people just don't have the time or brains to think of a clever practical joke. For the benefit of those people, here are some suggestions for April Fool's jokes:

1. Fast Foolin'

Go to a local fast-food restaurant and order some French fries. When you get them, stop for a second and stare at them. Then, begin sobbing uncontrollably. When someone asks you what's the matter, look up at them and say "Monet really loved those flowers."

2. Uberflower

Get a squirting flower gag from a novelty store, except instead of water, fill it with lemon juice. The first person to fall for the gag will surely get a squirt of lemon juice to the eyes and be blinded. While the person is blinded, read them a passage from Nietzsche's "Genealogy of Morals." Then, when they can see again, offer them a Bible for conciliation. If they take it, shout, "Didn't you learn anything?"

3. I Grace the Dewdrops Gently

Slice off a friend's head, cover it in rhinestones, and cryogenically freeze it. Should be great fun in the future when the friend is reanimated by advanced technology and looks in the mirror.

4. Hawkingago-go

Invite a friend over for dinner. When the friend gets up to leave for whatever reason, place a black hole on the seat of their chair. When they come back and sit down, they will enter the event horizon of the black hole. As the friend is being sucked into the singularity, shout, "Bring me four gallons of liquid veneer!" To them, it will sound like "George Bernard Shaw liked men with opposable pinkies, banana rubber butterscotch."

5. Guliani Watoosie

Go down to the Andy Warhol Museum and throw elephant dung on every one of the paintings. On the way out, casually remark how the playing field is now leveled.

6. Just for Fun

Dig up a dead relative of the person you are going to play a joke on, preferably one that died recently. Then, while the person is sleeping, casually slip the corpse into bed with them. Finally, wake the person up with a tape of Fran Drescher laughing (available at military surplus stores, $19.95) blasted loudly on a portable stereo. The look on the person's face is priceless - trust me on this one.

7. That Wacky Chuang-tzu

Walk into class completely naked. When someone asks you what the hell you are doing, casually remark, "Oh, I'm just a butterfly dreaming." Every few seconds, go into a wild spasm, then stop, commenting, "That entomologist almost got me." Before they haul you away, tell them how Jimmy Dean sausage would taste better if it was made from emu.

8. J.C. Masterpiece

At Sunday church services, ask if beer can be substituted for the communion wine and fried chicken substituted for the communion wafers. Before they respond, make sure to say, "Hurry up, now - I just can't wait for some deep-fried Lord!"