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Digital Something-Jet Turbine Monkeys

It has recently come to some people's attention that monkeys don't like being thrown into jet engines.

It's true. Recent studies at the Jane Goodall Institute find that monkeys, and in fact, all primates, do not like being sucked into the turbines of a jet engine.

An even more shocking revelation is that this complete and utter rending and scattering of the monkey causes it to become, in their words, "deader than Joe Piscapo's career."

This profound discovery has sent shock waves throughout the country - people's whole view on the monkey-to-jet engine relationship has been completely reversed.

It has been long assumed by people who spend a lot of time in bars that monkeys and jet engines had a friendly relationship. One would often hear stories of euphoric monkeys running out onto airport tarmacs. The monkeys would then somersault into the jet engine as the turbine got up to speed, shredding to many happy bits, like a dandelion in a stiff breeze.

This has now been proven to be complete bullpuckey, and public opinion has turned sharply against throwing any monkeys in any jet engines whatsoever.

Business have taken notice - "Curious George and the Pratt & Whitney 4062 Turbine" has been pulled from shelves, and ABC canceled it's upcoming game show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire That Throws Monkeys in Jet Engines?"

Still, some people named Earl don't agree with the attitude shift that is happening in this country. They would rather that the Government not interfere with the time-honored practice of throwing monkeys in jet turbines. They (meaning, Earl) say that this bars freedom of monkey-throwing-in-turbines, as protected by Article XIII in the Bill of Rights.

(Note: There are only ten articles in the Bill of Rights)

Earl, last name Pudwhuckey, claims that Article XIII exists, but is printed on a microdot at the end of the Bill of Rights, along with articles XI and XII. Further, Mr. Pudwhuckey states that Article XI pertains to him being the ruler of Mars, and Article XII gives him the power of attorney over all preschoolers.

I, for one, think that Earl is making a whole lot of sense.

America is, in fact, a land without a person who has power of attorney over preschoolers. As such, millions of preschoolers have human rights, and this needs to be stopped before they grow up and become business executives, film producers, and Wayans brothers.

Now, surely our founding fathers foresaw this catastrophe coming. Look, at the Constitution - it is flawless in every respect.

Furthermore, they most likely foresaw the invention of microscopic printing -that's a given. The founding fathers then invented advanced technology to make that microdot on the Bill of Rights and then destroyed the technology, so that future generations might discover the extra Articles when the time is right.

Not only that, but the founding fathers have likely hidden the microdot in a cunning location on the Bill of Rights as, in my years of searching, I have not found diddly-crap. They were clever, those rascally founding fathers, but I'll find that microdot yet!

In conclusion, even if, by some improbable twist of fate, that I'm wrong about the microdot, I think that monkeys should be thrown headlong into the loving embrace of a slashing, burning turbine of mechanized death because -

- I can't remember. Sorry.