Search

ARCHIVES
CONTACT US
WORLD NEWS

Forget horoscopes, here's your future

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Phil Villarreal

Hate to break this to you, fair reader, but Neptune eclipsing Jupiter's third moon isn't going to determine whether you get laid tonight.

This illustrates one of the two reasons why horoscopes just don't do the job. First off, birthdays and planetoids don't determine your future. Second, random predictions that astrologists distribute never tell you what won't happen to you every given day.

Zodiac, schmodiac. What we need is a daily predictor that tells us what will and won't happen based on the kind of life we lead.

I present to you the Phil-o-scope.

Pledgera (Current fraternity pledgers)

YOU WILL NOT: Be forced to "do a goat" as part of the initiation process. The university has a strict anti-hazing policy which prevents such travesties. Nor will you be given any alcoholic beverages, for you're probably not 21, and it's against the law for you to drink, silly. YOU WILL: Learn about the marvelous wonders of fraternity life over coffee or some other non-alcoholic beverage.

Nerderus (Those with a 4.0 GPA)

YOU WILL NOT: Have sex. Not with another person, or even the manual nature. You'll be too busy studying. YOU WILL: Spend four hours studying tomorrow night for the three midterms you have three weeks from now. On Sunday, you'll go a little wild. You'll stop studying for half the day and watch some television - a delightful PBS symphony presentation. Hope mother doesn't find out.

Athletio (Those on the UA football team)

YOU WILL NOT: Steal any money from goofballs who dangle dollar bills in front of under-funded college students. YOU WILL: Beat up on the little football team from the middle of Tennessee by at least 34 points. But you won't get too big of a head about it because a team from Pennsylvania did the same to you, in front of the entire civilized world, a fortnight ago.

Dipshitus (Believers in horoscopes)

YOU WILL NOT: Believe what is written here, because your birthday and a strange Latin word isn't attached to the writing. YOU WILL: Be filled with joy when you read on page 2D of The Arizona Daily Star that "an old love interest" will re-enter your life. In a whirlwind of irony, that old love interest will indeed re-enter your life - a pizza from Domino's - when you spend the night alone.

Greekese (Members of fraternities)

YOU WILL NOT: Get drunk and find yourself in an awkward homoerotic situation with one of your fraternity brothers. You also will not give any beers to or participate in any "chugging contests" with the pledges. Remember, they are under 21, and doing so would violate both the law and the UA hazing policy. YOU WILL: Wake up briskly Saturday morning, sober because you didn't drink a drop of alcohol the night before. You will then perform several hours of community service and philanthropy, because that's what fraternity life is all about. You will fall to sleep Saturday night knowing you made society a better place and prepare for church the next day.

Therestofus (Everyone else)

YOU WILL NOT: Study at all, then regret it on Monday. YOU WILL: Go to the football game. Afterward, you will find yourself in the presence of alcohol, either get drunk yourself or hang out with your drunk friends. You will make a move on a member of the opposite sex that you've had an eye on for a long time and succeed marvelously.

Hey, thinking positively is half the battle.