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Please stop the pain

Yesterday, Elian Gonzalez's father asked Americans to write to the president on his behalf, asking him to return his son to him immediately. There are many good reasons to send the poor kid home immediately, and everyone should do their part to help. In order to make this just a little bit easier, we're providing a form letter for you to send to the president or your congressman.

Dear Mr. Politician,

Please let this Elian kid go home. Soon. It's all we hear about on the news. Even worse, the continuing attention this story receives means that Janet Reno is on the television all of the time. No one wants that. Really. It used to be fun to make fun of her, at least, mentioning that she looks like a Wookie and all, but now, it turns out that she has some horrible degenerative disease, and we can't even make fun of her. And that's just sad.

In conclusion, please send Elian home. Because we don't want to hear about it any more, and we don't want to look at Janet Reno. Please.

Of course, there's also that whole immigration issue that we're supposed to be dealing with. But I don't really think that anyone really cares about that after six months.

Thank you,

A concerned citizen

College athletes

Once again, the issue of perks for college athletes has reared its ugly head, and there is only one good solution. Pay them. They're employees of the university, they bring in a great deal of revenue; the least we can do is cut them a paycheck.

This isn't to say that they can't get an education while they're here. It's just an acknowledgment of the fact that many athletes aren't here to get an education. They're here to play their sport and, hopefully, gain enough in skills and exposure to make it into the professional leagues. If they want to take classes, let them. But those that want to be able to devote all of their time to their athletics should have the opportunity. Giving out degrees in family and consumer resources doesn't help anyone; the athlete isn't learning anything, and the university is just wasting money on classes. Athletes are here for a reason, and we should give them the full opportunity to pursue it.

Spring Fling

For the first time, Spring Fling was held off campus at the Rillito Downs. While the move was necessitated this year by the ongoing construction on campus, there is talk of moving it off campus permanently. Of course, some students oppose the move, upset by the fact that it would dilute the student experience of the annual carnival, making it more of a community event than a campus one.

While the campus aspect of Spring Fling is nice and all, the real function of the carnival is as a fundraiser. More people come when the event is held off campus, and the clubs involved make more money. That should be our only consideration, and if moving it off campus means more money, keep it off.

Monkey business

There has been a recent uproar over the possibility of animal testing on primates here at the university. People all over the world - who read a number of Web sites concerned with the topic - have expressed their concern over the experiments, which would involve removal of parts of the brain while the monkeys are still alive. This all sounds like bad stuff, stuff that shouldn't be going on at our university. This sounds like the sort of thing that we should be protesting.

But it isn't. The monkeys are being hurt, perhaps, but what's important is the fact that humans will benefit from the experimentation. These are things that we can't do to humans, and if doing them to monkeys will save human lives - it's unpleasant, but it needs to be done.