Search

ARCHIVES
CONTACT US
WORLD NEWS

Staff Shots

Veeeeeeep!

Its April, more than six months before the presidential elections, and three months before the national conventions will affirm Shrub and Bore as our only two options for chief executive. Both candidates have said that they don't have short lists of potential vice-residents, but we all know better. How could they not be considering veeps? It is our duty as citizens to speculate as to who our next political Mr. Irrelevant is going to be. And even if it isn't, it isn't as though there's anything interesting going on in the political spectrum. So, until West Wing comes out of reruns, here's the word.

On the Democrat's list, the front runners, according to no one in particular, are Senator Dianne "what's with the two 'n''s in my name" Feinstein, Energy Secretary Bill Richardson and Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts. Feinstein has the advantage, seeing as she is a woman and all, and the donkey-party is living in fear that Shrub will beat them to the punch with a female veep. Kerry might be counted out of the running because Democratic leaders would like to keep him in the senate, knowing that a small change could tip the senate to them or the Republicans.

Shrub's best choices are Elizabeth "I like Viagra" Dole, Governor Christy Todd Whitman of New Jersey, and Retired General Colin Powell. Liddy Dole is a contender, certainly, and Whitman has shown herself to be a favorite of the Republican leadership. What's with Powell? He has said he doesn't want to go into politics. Repeatedly. And they keep asking him. Just let him go to his Boy's club meetings, and leave the poor guy alone.

Say it ain't so, Triumph

Yesterday, online company Pets.com filed suit in a San Fransisco court against the man who created Triumph, the insult comic dog for Late Night with Conan O'Brien. They argue that Triumph is defaming their spokes-puppet, apparently by being a dog hand-puppet that makes fun of William Shatner's hairpiece. We can't hold him responsible for that; everyone makes fun of his hairpiece. It's natural- people can't help making fun of it.

Pay no attention to the fact that Triumph predates the first appearance of the Pets.com dog by over two years. This lawsuit is, of course, absurd. But we should all hope that it gets to court: for Triumph to poop on!

Cheap Beer

According to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, every city in America can reduce gonorrea rates by up to 9 percent- by raising beer taxes by twenty cents. Having analyzed twenty years of disease data, the CDC came to the conclusion that the best correlate for falling rates of the sexually transmitted disease was a hike in the price of beer. During the eighties, this sort of thing happened quite often for some reason. Wherever it happened, gonorrea rates went down. In California, a sixteen cent per gallon tax was followed by a thirty percent drop in gonorrea rates among teenagers the following year.

Now, the CDC hasn't released this, but an increase in beer taxes was also correlated with a dramatic drop in occurences of Yellow Fever, Bubonic Plague and Mad Cow disease. I'd imagine that if we increased the beer tax by fifty cents, we could eliminate "Bubble Boy" disease entirely. And wouldn't that be a wonderful thing.