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Doomsday scenario

A major catastrophe has narrowly been averted. After a day of hightened tensions in the markets and near panic in the streets of several of America's major cities, Time Warner has agreed to continue to carry Disney-owned local stations on its cable systems. The desperation many, many law-abiding Americans felt is completely understandable, as television provides our nation with quality entertainment and news information.

The crisis had been brewing for several months. Time Warner, whose cable systems reach 3.5 million homes nationwide, and Disney, which owns ABC, ESPN and other networks, had been negotiating a new transmission contract since the previous agreement expired on December 31, 1999. Disney wanted Time Warner to pay more to carry Disney programming, and demanded the Disney Channel be offered as part of basic cable instead of as a premium channel. TW balked, and each side accused the other of negotiating in bad faith.

As the May 1 deadline for a new agreement approached, tensions flared and a frustrated Disney executive pistol-whipped a TW representative. In retaliation, TW blocked transmission of Disney's owned-and-operated ABC stations in major markets like New York and Los Angeles, and smaller markets like Fresno, Calif. and Toledo, Ohio. In place of their favorite ABC programs, viewers found the following message: "We are currently unable to carry ABC programming. We have discovered Disney places harmful subliminal messages in ABC's 'Wonderful World of Disney' programming. We suggest you allow your children to watch only wholesome Bugs Bunny and other Time Warner-owned Looney Tunes cartoons."

Viewers panicked, taking to the streets in fear and rage, committing acts of vandalism that should be understood more as confused cries for help than wanton destruction. Best Buys in the afflicted areas were looted for television antennae and home versions of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Some confused citizens stormed CBS and NBC affiliates, asking that their programming be pre-empted in order to air the second part of ABC's television event "Arabian Nights."

Meanwhile, TW and Disney escalated their war. Disney kidnaped Time Warner stockholder Ted Turner, cut off his ear and sent it to Time Warner CEO Gerald Levin with a note saying they would kill Turner unless TW agreed to Disney's demands. TW raised the stakes by ordering bomb strikes on headquarters. This news sent the stock market plummeting, as Time Warner and Disney stock took heavy losses and the bottom fell out on tech stocks, although they were unrelated to the controversy. Hundreds of thousands of employees were laid off, adding to the rioting setting cities aflame coast to coast. Tucson, not having a Disney-owned station, suffered no unrest.

Finally, President Clinton intervened, personally negotiating a temporary agreement between the warring parties. As Clinton announced he had secured "Regis in our time," Time Warner's cable systems began carrying ABC programming. Now, no one will have to miss another installment of celebrity "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

OK, I made a lot of the above up. TW did cease transmission of ABC stations over a contractual dispute, and later agreed to restore service after the FCC mentioned their actions might violate must-carry regulations, which require cable systems to carry all local stations. Although no agreement has been reached, Time Warner's generosity to its customers means no one will have to lose their programming rights as two media conglomerates haggle over money.

If the whole story seems hardly worth mentioning, well, you're right. But it got a lot of mention, receiving above-the-fold coverage in major newspapers. Reporting on the ABC News website Monday was almost hysterical, offering stories of depressed ABC-deprived viewers. Newscasts Monday night featured stories about long lines for free TV antannae and interviews with people unable to function without their nightly dose of ABC programming.

Why was so much space wasted on overwrought coverage of a non-story? Perhaps because such trivia can be more entertainingly presented as news than more important issues like the environment. Those poor people who queued up for TV antennae weren't decrying the loss of ABC's hard-hitting news programs-they wanted their Regis. We want TV to give us entertainment and nothing but. Little wonder that the most important information of the past few days was about nothing but entertainment.