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Conversations with God

By Zack Armstrong
Arizona Daily Wildcat,
June 21, 2000
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"Where have all the Mall preachers gone? I miss their well thought out insights into life and purpose."

"I'm afraid they've melted."

"God? Is that you?"

"Yes my son, it is I."

"But, why have they melted, God? The Socialists have lasted. They're out there every Wednesday like clockwork."

"Well, my son, they just weren't built to last."

This was a dream I had the other night, or rather a dream I wish I'd had the other night. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't a dream at all.

It actually happened.

God spoke to me and told me the UA Mall preachers had all melted due to Tucson's extremely dry heat. I was initially afraid it was just a lack of dedication and faith on the part of the preachers; it was too hot, and their well-being was more important than spreading the gospel.

After all, it's not like there's no one around to listen. Students have summer classes, and incoming students have walk-throughs. I thought the preachers loved to prey on the impressionable young ones. Maybe they're all just staying at home, practicing preaching to their families.

But, all of my fears were put to rest with my conversation with God.

It turns out the preachers were, in fact, dedicated enough to preach in the heat. Eventually, it became so hot that they began to preach to the heat, saying that it was the work of the devil and it was going to burn in Hell.

They told the heat that it was going to burn in Hell! Now that's about as ballsy as true faith can get. But it doesn't stop there, no sir.

After they became delirious (contrary to popular belief, they are normally quite sane), they began to melt.

But did they retreat to the sanctity of the church?


They stayed out there and kept on preaching it up until they were all gone.

All that's left now is a few grease stains and the smell of fish. If you go out and look, you might be able to find a small gold cross or two and maybe a membership card to Sam's Club. Those preachers sure love a bargain.

"So what's next God? Who will spread the word now that they are all gone? Christianity is bound to fail without them, they're the only true believers left on Earth. And without Christianity to show us what's right, we're all sure to fly off into a giant black hole of depravity and moral decay."

"What are we supposed to do without their keen insights into the way the world really is? I can hardly tie my shoes in the morning without their profound guidance. What am I supposed to do?"

"Well, you still have free will and the ability to think for yourself."

"That sounds like a lot of work."

"Yeah, I guess it does. I guess your only option is to join a frat."

Zack Armstrong is a creative writing senior.

He can be reached at editor@wildcat.arizona.edu.

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