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I don't want my MTV

Seeing as how I don't have cable television, I don't watch much cable television. This weekend, however, took me back home where the cable runs free and wild. I'm sorry and ashamed to admit that my ass rarely left the couch, and, if for some reason you go to my house, you can probably still see two embarrassingly large indents in the cushion.

The same old clichˇ held true - hundreds of channels and nothing worth watching. But I couldn't stop watching, which, unfortunately, led my searching eyes to MTV.

What in the hell has happened to MTV?

I knew the videos were getting more and more scarce, but what is this foul muck they're replacing them with?

Exhibit A: "The Real World."

I'll admit, the first season wasn't so bad. I watched it. Those people were a little annoying, but it was a new and creative concept, and that's what MTV used to be about.

After a while, though, it just got worse and worse. I don't know where they find these people. They put out a nationwide search for the most obnoxiously self-involved subhumans they can find and always come up with gold.

They don't just give Americans a bad name; they give humans a bad name.

Exhibit B: "Road Rules."

This has the same description as above, just add some motion sickness. And I don't mean theirs - I mean mine. Every time I watch them, my head starts shaking uncontrollably with disapproval.

Exhibit C: That karaoke show.

Who decided this was a good idea? Let's replace professional musicians with a bunch of tone-deaf wannabes, and the viewership is bound to double. It's completely logical.

Exhibit D: "TRL."

You knew it was coming. This little show is based on a good idea - let the viewers pick what they want to listen to. Unfortunately, the viewers have bad taste.

How much longer can this teenybopper crap last? The Backstreet Boys, Christina Aguilera, N'SYNC, Britney Spears ... well Britney's alright, as long as you're fast enough with the remote to put the TV on mute before she gets to any of that singing stuff. Just dance, Britney! Dance!

I know there's this one guy out there who writes all of these people's songs, and it's the same guy who ghostwrites "Sweet Valley High." He is a kind man with a good heart. He's probably a little overweight, and all he needs is to be loved. If anyone out there wants a man that fits this description, find him and hug him and make this insanity end.

Oh. I almost forgot. Besides all of that stuff, Carson Daly is a putz.

There are plenty of other exhibits I could go through, but my brain is starting to clench up, and I have to stop before it completely seizes and I actually start enjoying this MTV gunk.

My only hope is that after this little experiment in devolution, known as MTV, is concluded they take the subjects of study, drop them in the Thunderdome and let them fight it to the death. The last one standing gets to suck on the tailpipe of the car of their choice and blissfully drift into oblivion. My money's on Carson. He's a putz, but I bet he can bitch-fight like a champ. I just want to be the guy who turns the key.