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An ode to higher learning

I had intended on writing an ode to the general process of caffeination. But since I hold those truths to be self evident, I'll linger no longer and instead venture onward to a topic slightly more relevant - the University of Arizona.

The aforementioned "University of Arizona" is a state-funded institute of higher learning, located in Tucson, Ariz. But you knew that.

So here is a bunch of rambling nonsense that contains certain facts and opinions concerning said institute of higher learning and the metropolitan area containing it that you may not already know:

• The Domino's in the Student Union is horrendously overpriced. But they do serve deep dish if you have the patience to wait the extra few minutes. And most importantly, if you go there frequently enough, there is this one employee who just may decide to start giving you free refills. Which makes all the difference.

• Don't let the UAPD know, but drugs of all sorts are plentiful on this campus - abundant even. This, of course, may mean slightly different things to different people. But it is a curious fact that loosely formed drug rings can evolve within a week in the dorms - and last for years.

• There are these organizations known as fraternities and sororities. Logic would find it impossible to speak any words in favor of these organizations, or for the larger "greek" system as a whole. Although no "hazing" officially exists (neither do "late nights," "date rape" or "underage drinking," but apparently "philanthropy" does), this system is responsible for perpetuating some of the most despicable human rights violations occurring in the industrialized world.

• The City of Tucson itself has at least three cool places to hang out. I won't say precisely what or where they may be for the simple reason that I don't want my hang outs ruined. But definite bonus points to whomever may come across them.

• There is a beat-up, ratty looking couch on every nearly porch in Tucson. Don't worry, it is supposed to be there.

• While this has no relation at all to the aforementioned institute of higher learning, it is fun to invent aliases, just in case it may be necessary to cover any criminal activity. While this may incriminate me at some future date, I have such pride in my creative mind that I must divulge the best - Lionel Frailey.

• The popular 24-hour Mexican food restaurant Los Betos has bland beans, but the breakfast burritos are marvelous. All things considered, however, stick to Nico's out on Fort Lowell and Campbell. It's worth the drive.

• If you ever want to actually enjoy a class that will kill off a general education requirement, absolutely take Music 231: Jazz History. It's an excellent class, taught with passion - a combination that is surprisingly rare. Take it anyway.

• While this may seem infinitely unlikely, the UA Mall was once a beautiful place. And provided the myriad of construction projects stay on schedule, it will be once again in about 73 years. By that time of course, I will almost have a degree.

• The guy who rides around on a bicycle waving American and "Don't Tread On Me" flags is perennially running for sheriff. I'm not quite sure if this information will be helpful in any way at all, but I've slept a lot safer at night since I learned.

• Panhandlers hate to be asked if they can spare any change. Especially that one guy who has been "trying to get a bus to Phoenix" for at least three years now. I saw right through that excuse in no time flat. Nobody would ever desire to go to Phoenix in the first place, let alone on a bus.

• Although I am not too familiar with it myself, I have been told that there is a "Student Recreation Center" available for students to use for the general purpose of recreation. I think I've figured out which building it is, but as for the hours of operation, I haven't a clue.

• I'm not sure if this phenomenon still exists, but I fear it may soon rise again. Somebody told me once (rather rudely, if I recall properly) that they were called "capri pants." I prefer the more logical term of "shantz." They're not quite shorts and not quite pants. It's simple. I guess it's hard to get rid of around here especially. Hell there's even a Shantz building on campus. I'm not sure where that came from. The fact remains that shantz look ridiculous in every way.

I suppose that's it, really. While that may be a lot to digest all at once, just remember that each tidbit is every bit as crucial to graduating from this aforementioned university as registering for classes. Speaking of, it's high time I got some coffee and went about doing that myself.